


Dust Off Your Highest Hopes

by amory



Series: Dust Off Your Highest Hopes [1]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Bullying, Cutting, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Self Harm, Smut, Suicidal Thoughts, Triggers, coffeeshop, very cheesy and corny but aagh I love it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-13
Updated: 2013-05-13
Packaged: 2017-12-11 18:45:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 30,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/801958
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amory/pseuds/amory
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry Styles is one big fuck up and Louis Tomlinson’s life is going nowhere. That is, until they meet each other</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dust Off Your Highest Hopes

**Author's Note:**

> I am notoriously bad at summaries aaaanyway
> 
> Orginially posted on amoryfics.tumblr.com enjoy :)

Harry first sees Louis mid-panic attack but that doesn’t really bother either of them. In fact, Louis doesn’t even notice. He’s busy preparing a cappuccino for the well dressed man at the counter when Harry propels himself in from the rain and straight into one of the well worn armchairs. He shakes the water out of his curls and tries to steady his breathing, praying that it looks like his cheeks are just wet from the rain. Louis does notice him eventually, of course. It’s nearly closing time at the small family run coffee shop and the shaking, water soaked boy is the only person left besides Louis himself.

“Can I get you something, mate?” Louis calls, pushing his glasses back up his nose. He tries not to sound snippy about it, but he was kind of hoping to close up early to catch up on sleep, but this particular boy is preventing that.

Harry startles out of his self pity and turns around. His breath catches when he sees Louis and his sharp cheekbones, feathery hair, and eyes that are an almost impossible shade of blue. He’s stupidly pretty and the things he’s currently making Harry feel make the younger boy want to start crying all over again.

“I uhm, hold on,” Harry reaches down into his pocket and groans when he finds nothing. He must have left his wallet back in Niall’s car. He looks back up sheepishly at the blue eyed boy and shakes his head. “No, m’sorry, I forgot my wallet. I’ll be going.”

“Hey, wait.” Louis stops him, feeling terrible for the poor kid. He’s obviously had a rough night and probably needs something to cheer him up. Louis walks over to the desert case and gets the last few cookies out, putting them on a plate. He then goes for the tea, pouring the last of the kettle into two cups and walking around the counter, balancing all of it precariously in his hands. He sets it down on the small table in front of Harry, and then plops himself down into a chair as well.

Harry raises an eyebrow in question and Louis just waves a hand. “I’m supposed to throw it all out anyway, can’t sell them tomorrow. Have some.” Harry thanks him, but waits until the petite boy grabs one of the cookies and starts nibbling at it to get one for himself.

The pair eat and drink without speaking to one another, each of them feeling awkward in the silence. Harry watches Louis discreetly over his tea. The other boy’s thin fingers drum over the top of his cup and he hums under his breath. He’s the first to speak of course, because Louis does not do prolonged silences well. He was always the kid at school with the twitching leg and the tapping pencil, the one who would drift off during tests, counting the seconds until he could get back up from his desk and start talking a mile a minute about everything and anything that popped into his mind. That’s probably part of the reason he never did so well in school. Nothing much has changed.

“So, what brings you here?”

Harry blinks his big green doe eyes at Louis, and shrugs. “I was on my way home and it started pouring.” It’s a lie, but Louis doesn’t know any better.

“It’s been raining every night for three nights, shoulda bought an umbrella mate.” Louis jokes. Harry smiles back, his cheeks dimpling in. He still has a little baby fat on his cheeks which does something to Louis’ heart.

“You’re probably right.”

Louis grins and his eye crinkle up behind his glasses. “I’m Louis Tomlinson, by the way.” He says, sticking a hand out.

Harry panics for a moment, discreetly tugging his jumper sleeve down and shaking Louis’ outstretched hand as quickly as possible. “Harry Styles.”

They lapse back into silence until the cookies are gone and the tea as well. Louis moves to take it all back to the sink behind the counter, leaving the dishes for the morning. When he turns back he notices Harry standing at the door, looking at the rain mournfully, and offers the boy a ride home. Louis tells himself it’s just because he doesn’t want Harry to have to walk home so late and in the rain, but he knows it’s really because Harry is very attractive. Harry agrees after some hesitation, playing with his sleeves nervously when Louis returns with an umbrella and a jacket.

“Here, you wear it.” He says, tossing the jacket towards Harry. When the younger boy goes to protest, Louis just shakes his head and walks right past him and out into the rain. Harry looks down at the jacket in his hands wearily, before tugging it on and pulling the hood up over his curls. He walks out of the coffee shop and Louis locks the door after him. He opens the umbrella in his hand and directs Harry towards his car with a hand on the small of the other boy’s back.

“It’s a left up at this intersection.” Harry mutters when they enter the car.

Louis nods and turns the car on, letting it warm up a bit. He looks over and sees Harry shivering a slightly so he turns the fan all the way up until it blows his curls around his face. He looks very young like this, which has Louis a bit worried. “You still in school?” He asks casually, hoping not to sound like the pedophile he might very well be.

Harry nods. “Yeah, next year’s my last,” he says, before looking up at Louis curiously. “What about you?”

Louis lets out a laugh and shakes his head. “I graduated last year, just never left. I had big plans to become famous. You can see how well that worked out,” he winks at Harry before continuing. “I’m in a band actually. It’s just me and a couple of mates, I sing and play guitar, Zayn’s backup vocals and bass, and Josh is on drums. We’re pretty shit but it fills the time between working at the coffee shop and sleeping.” Harry likes Louis’ laugh right away. It’s raspy and high, like his voice, almost a bell like sound.

“I like to sing too.” Harry blurts, and then he blushes. He hasn’t sung in front of anyone since primary school when he was forced to participate in the school play at Christmas. He’s probably completely horrible at it now, Harry thinks, because he’s horrible at everything.

Louis smiles at him and pulls out of the parking lot. “I’d love to hear you sometime.” He says casually. Harry knows he’s just trying to be polite, but it’s still nice to hear. No one’s really ever interested in what he likes. His friends used to try back when they were younger and Harry was different, but now they just drag him along with whatever they like to do. Harry can’t blame them though, because he never says anything when he finds something he likes, and besides he likes seeing his friends happy.

When they reach Harry’s house all the lights are on and he lets out a small sigh. Niall must have called his mother. Louis laughs and pats Harry on the back which startles him a bit but he doesn’t pull back like he usually would. “Been there, mate. Good luck.”

“Thanks for everything, Louis.” Harry says. He reaches for the door handle but remembers he’s still wearing Louis’ jacket. When he reaches to take it off though, Louis stops him.

“Keep it,” he says. “It’s still raining. Besides, you can return it and that’ll give me an excuse to talk to you again.” Harry stares at Louis in shock, waiting for the other boy to start laughing, but he doesn’t. He just winks and motions for Harry to go on, so he does. With one last wave back to the car, Harry’s gangly figure disappears into the rain.

Louis sits there for a moment, before groaning to himself and hitting his head against the steering wheel. “I am so fucked.”

Harry is thinking the same thing at the moment, but in a much different context. As soon as he opens the front door, his mother is there, pulling him into her arms and babbling. “Harry Styles, I cannot believe you did that to me! I was so worried about you, you didn’t answer your phone, your friends were so worried, Harry.”

“Mum, I’m fine.” He groans when she kisses him on the forehead and starts smoothing her hands over his curls like he’s a baby or something.

“Niall said there were some boys-”

Harry shakes his head, not wanting to go there with his mother. He likes having her blissfully unaware of what goes on in his life, the last thing he wants to do is hurt her. “They don’t even go to our school, they were just teasing,” he lies. “It’s okay, I kind of overreacted and walked home. I forgot to check my phone, I’m sorry.”

Anne sighs and shakes her head a bit at her son. “You’re grounded for the rest of the weekend, Harry” She says softly. Harry just nods back and lets her kiss him on the cheek once more before letting go. “If anyone ever bothers you like that again, you tell me alright?” Harry could almost laugh at the irony of it all. He wanted to keep his mother blissfully unaware and she is, incredibly so. But he doesn’t, he just nods, kisses her quickly on the cheek, and heads upstairs. “And call Niall and Liam, they’re worried!”

Harry shuts the door to his room softly and sinks to the floor against it. A sob is rising in his throat already. He sniffles and looks down at the coat he’s wearing. It smells like the coffee shop, like coffee beans, sugar, tea leaves, and something that just smells like Louis. Harry takes the coat off and folds it carefully, setting it up on his bed. Next comes his jumper. As soon as he pulls it off he winces. Scattered all down his arms and peeking out over his waist band are cuts, overlapping each other like he’s run out of room to take his sadness out on. They’re disgusting, Harry is disgusting.

Trying to stifle his crying so his mother won’t hear, Harry reaches over to his bed. His fingers wiggle their way in between the mattress and the box spring, searching around until they brush cold metal. He breathes a sigh of relief mixed with a sob. Soon he has the razor sitting in the palm of his hand and he can just barely make out his reflection there. He’s crying like a chld, eyes rimmed with red, curls matted to his forehead by the rain and the sweat.

The first cuts are always for the names. For every time they called him “faggot” or “queer” or “fucking worthless”. Harry opens up old wounds on his wrists for that, whispering the words to himself as he goes. The next cuts are for his mother and his friends. He made them worry, he made his mother cry, and he’s a horrible person because of it. The next cuts are usually always the last, just to remind himself he’s not worth it. He’s fat, he’s disgustingly ugly, with a face covered in acne, and a horrible voice still caught in puberty. He has no friends and nothing left in this world to live for.

Harry looks down at his mangled arm covered in blood, and brings the razor down once more. This time it’s for Louis; for Louis’ blue eyes, his laugh, the way he made Harry feel. It’s for Louis reminding Harry that he is all those things the others at school call him. He is a faggot, a queer, he is fucking worthless. He deserves every bit of this pain that he inflicts on himself.

He finally puts the blade back under his mattress along with the others. For a few minutes he just looks down at his arm again, letting the stinging pain of the cuts get to him. He’s been doing this for two years now, ever since the others at school found out he was gay, but it’s never enough. That’s why he had to move to his waist and eventually his thighs. No one else knows, no one else is ever going to know. Besides, Harry doesn’t plan on being around for much longer.

Louis’ jacket catches his attention and he sighs. Maybe he’ll stay around long enough just to give it back. He owes Louis that at least.

Harry moves from his room to the bathroom, stepping into the shower and watching his blood stain the water red. When he goes back to his room and settles into bed he notices he didn’t move Louis’ jacket. He goes to do so, but stops when the smell catches him again. Maybe he’ll just leave it, just for tonight. It’s a nice smell, very comforting. Harry’s eyes close and he sighs to himself. Yeah, he’ll leave it just for tonight.

One night turns to two and two quickly turns into three and suddenly it’s Monday morning and Harry has to go to school again. He avoids it for as long as he can, laying in bed with one eye open and listening to his alarm beep, until his mother comes pounding at the door telling him he’ll be late.

Even though it’s March and starting to warm up, Harry still pulls on a jumper. He isn’t in the mood to have to rearrange bracelets all day to cover up the cuts on his wrists. On his way out the door he stuffs Louis’ jacket into his bag, deciding to drop it off at the coffee shop after school. He needs to get it over with.

Harry’s running off to homeroom when he’s suddenly shoved face first into a row of lockers. He groans and tries to right himself, only to be shoved backwards again, this time by his shoulders so he’s facing his attacker. As usual, it’s Tom and his group of friends.

Tom smiles at Harry, shoving his against the locker once more for good measure. “Didya have a good weekend, faggot?” He growls. “Saw you at the party. I saw ya leave, crying like the little bitch you are, huh?”

Harry cringes at the names, shaking with fear. “P-please leave me alone.” He whispers, hating how helpless he sounds.

Tom laughs, mocking Harry along with his friends. “Oh, poor little baby Harry! Pwease leave me alone, oh-”

“What are you doing?” Harry lets out a relieved sigh when he sees Liam running up. “Get the fuck off of him, Tom.”

Tom rolls his eyes and sneers. “You’re lucky your boyfriend is here to save you,” He pushes Harry back against the lockers one more time, and then lets go. “I’ll see you after school, fag.” With that, Tom turns and leaves, his friends trailing behind him like dogs at his heels. Liam watches them go, his eyebrows furrowed angrily until they turn the corner and go out of sight.

“H, I wish you’d let me tell someone.” He says, softly.

Harry shakes his head, letting out a small sigh. “It’s alright. Thanks for that.” Liam nods and throws his arm around Harry’s shoulders, practically daring someone to come near. In their little group Liam’s the protector, he always has been ever since they were kids. He’s the only one of the three who plays sports and spends hours a week in the gym, and therefore could probably kick the ass of anyone who lays a finger on Harry, that is if Harry ever let him.

Liam leads them to their homeroom, arm still tight around his shoulders. “Niall told me about Friday.”

Harry rolls his eyes. “I’m fine, Li. Don’t worry about it.”

Liam didn’t come to the party since he has footie practice early Saturday mornings. That of course meant Niall pushed Harry into going with him, pleading and practically crying until the other boy gave in. Harry hates parties, he prefers to stay home by himself or with the boys watching a movie, playing video games, or something along those lines. Both Liam and Niall have friends outside of the group, which is how they end up getting invited to these parties, but they always tend to end up with each other just as they’ve always been. Harry is the only one of them who never really branched out to make other friends.

“It isn’t fine though Harry. I can see it getting to you.” Liam tightens his arm around his friend and starts walking down the hall towards homeroom. Harry panics, grabbing the sleeves of his jumper in his fists just in case. He knows Liam is just talking about his attitude, but he can’t risk it. Harry can’t even imagine how Liam, Niall, and his mother would react if they knew about the cuts. That’s why suicide feels like the way out for him, just get it all over and done with, with as little collateral damage as possible, and without having to see the disappointment on their faces.

Harry spends his day like every other day, only talking in class when he’s practically forced to, speaking only to Niall and Liam, and trying to become completely invisible. He gets a few shoves in the hallway from Tom’s friends, words still fly behind his back as he passes, but it’s nothing Harry isn’t used to by now. He always dreads the end of the day the most. It’s usually spent as a lonely walk home while Liam goes to football practice and Niall works, with Tom following for as long as possible, shouting punching and kicking him relentlessly.

Today is different in that respect though. Harry never noticed it before but the coffee shop is in the exact opposite direction of his house. When he starts walking he can see Tom and his friends waiting around for him on the other side of the school. He chuckles to himself and starts walking, nodding his head along to the song on his ipod. It’s nice to be able to have this time to himself to think without Tom following.

Before he even realizes it, Harry’s in front of the coffee shop again. From where he’s standing he can see Louis talking to someone at the counter, eyes crinkling behind his glasses. It suddenly hits Harry that Louis is incredibly attractive, too attractive to even want to be associated with someone like Harry. Maybe he should just leave the jacket when Louis’s distracted and run. Maybe he should bring it back when Louis isn’t working and pretend to have missed him.

All of these ideas are completely thrown out when Louis spots him and starts waving

Taking a steadying breath, Harry walks into the shop. The bell above th door jingles and Harry’s hit by the smell all over again, it almost makes him dizzy. Louis grins and nudges the guy at the counter slightly, his eyebrows raised. “Hey Harry!”

Harry’s a bit taken aback because he really didn’t expect Louis to remember his name, or even who he was. He reaches back into his bag and pulls the jacket out, walking closer to the counter. “I uhm…I brought this back for you.” He says, lamely. Louis doesn’t mock him like Harry expected he would. Instead, he just grins his crinkly eye grin, and takes the jacket when Harry’s outstretched hand offers it to him.

The other boy at the counter turns the look Harry over lazily. He’s equally attractive, if not more so than Louis is, and Harry feels extremely inadequate next to the two of them. He reaches over to dig his nails into the soft skin of his wrist to provide instant relief.

The boy smirks and crosses his arms. “So, this must be the famous Harry you haven’t shutup about since Friday, right Lou?” Both boys turn to look at Louis, who is now a brilliant shade of red.

“Shutup Zayn.”

Zayn turns back to Harry with a grin on his face. “He hasn’t stopped talking about how green your eyes are since he drove you home. He literally called me after he dropped you off and-”

“Shouldn’t you be going?” Louis practically shouts, unable to control his voice. Zayn starts cackling and doesn’t stop, even when Louis reaches across the counter and starts hitting him over the head with a rolled up newspaper like a dog. “Shoo! Get out Zayn, go! Don’t make me get the squirt bottle out.” Louis scolds. Harry watches on in amusement while Louis jumps up and over the counter and starts hitting Zayn all over until they get to the door.

“Ask him about your curls!” Zayn calls on his way out. “Lou, jesus, okay I’m leaving!” He laughs, running out onto the sidewalk. He flips Louis off and then leaves, walking off around the corner.

Louis stands at the doorway for a little while, cursing his choice in best friends and feeling absolutely mortified. He half expects to turn around and see Harry scandalized by what Zayn said. Instead he finds the curly haired boy smiling at him fondly, his long body leaning effortlessly over the desert case. Everything Zayn said was true, and more. Louis hadn’t been able to stop talking about Harry since Friday, going so far as to attempt to write lyrics about the way his eyes sparkled or how he spoke, but lyrics are more Zayn’s department for a reason. However, Louis probably could have lived without Harry ever knowing that.

“I’m sorry about him,” Louis tries to sound causal and not like he wants to fly into the sun. “That’s my flatmate, Zayn. He’s also my bandmate and just all around general nuisance.”

Harry shrugs. “That’s alright, it was funny. I should be going anyway, I have a lot of homework to get done.”

“Wait!” Louis says almost too loudly, startling Harry. “You can uhm…you can do your homework here. I mean, only if you want to but…” Louis trails off. If he didn’t want to jump off the nearest cliff before, he definitely does now.

“Yeah I…sure, that’d be great.” Harry says, sounding equally as awkward. He smiles though, his dimples making Louis feel infinitely better. Louis nods and walks back around the counter, making a cup of coffee while Harry folds his long body into the same armchair from Friday night. He balances a textbook on his knees and starts going about his homework.

“I hope you like cappuccinos because I’ve been practicing this and I need an opinion.” Louis brings the cup over carefully, along with the freshest pastry they have which happens to be an apple fritter.

Harry looks over his textbook and smiles when he sees what he thinks is supposed to be a leaf shaped into the foam. It’s kind of horrible really, but Louis is beaming so proudly and that’s so endearing, that Harry just nods and says; “It’s great.”

Louis grins even wider, his glasses slipping down his nose a bit. “You’re a horrible liar, Harry Styles.” Harry would have to bed to differ.

“Oh, wait I have my wallet this time.” Harry says when Louis starts to walk away.

The older boy just shakes his head and smiles. “It’s on the house, as long as you keep me company after the afternoon rush and continue to lie about my shitty cappuccino art.” He winks and then returns to the counter just as a few customers come pouring in.

Harry watches Louis make small talk and fill orders for a little bit, before returning back to his math homework. He can practically feel the eyes of the other customers on his back while he works. They aren’t like the kids at school, they’re probably just curious as to why someone so ugly and worthless as Harry would ever voluntarily put himself where everyone else can see him. At least, that’s what Harry thinks.

Louis, on the other hand, thinks Harry is quite possibly the most stunning creature he’s ever laid eyes on. Especially when he sits like that with his knees almost up to his chin, his curls falling into his face and shading his dark green eyes, and biting at the eraser on his pencil as he thinks the questions over. Who knows, maybe if Louis really put his mind to it he could write lyrics about Harry and not end up with a ABAB rhyme scheme that sounds like it was written by a five year old. Probably not though.

Eventually the crowd dies down, people needing their coffee fix after work disappearing one by one until it’s just Harry and Louis left and the sun is setting. Louis wipes the counters down and smiles when he sees Harry curled up on the couch reading, his long legs thrown over one side of the armchair. Louis fixes himself a cup of tea and walks over, settling down in the chair next to Harry and sighing.

“Never get a job.”

Harry looks up over the top of the book and smiles softly. “I had actually planned on becoming a professional barista, thanks for the warning.”

Louis rolls his eyes and nudges on of Harry’s boots with his hand. “Cheeky, aren’t you?” Harry shakes his head and returns to the book, his eyebrows furrowing slightly as he reads. Louis looks at the book and laughs, making Harry’s head snap back up, curls bouncing a bit at the motion. “ _The Picture of Dorian Gray_? Studying up on your gay literature?”

Harry looks shocked. “What?”

“Oscar Wilde was gay…” Louis trails off, sharing the last thing he ever really learned in English class. He was never one for reading, much preferring movies that got his adrenaline pumping and heart racing. Having to skim his eyes over page after page made him antsy.

Harry frowns and looks the book over, like he expects it to explode into unicorns and pink sparkles or something. “Huh.” Is all he says, before returning to the book.

Louis watches his green eyes skim over the pages, marking lines with a pencil every so often. “You’re a quirky little hipster, aren’t you?” Louis laughs. “I like it.”

Harry was actually just thinking what the people in his class would do if they knew that the guy who wrote the book they’re reading was gay. (Maybe burn it along with an effigy of Harry himself, he thinks.) He looks back up at Louis and shakes his head. “M’not a hipster.”

“Of course you are, look at what you’re wearing,” Louis gestures to the whole of Harry in general. “The boots, the too large jumper in the middle of spring, jeans so tight you’ll probably never procreate. Might as well get you a pair of 3D glasses and a moleskin notebook and ship you off to New York.”

It takes Harry a moment to realize Louis’s kidding around and not trying to hurt him. It’s been a long time since anyone other than Niall and Liam have joked around with him, so they kind of end up in an awkward silence, until Harry deadpans; “Why get me a pair of 3D glasses when I can just borrow yours and play with your shitty indie band?”

Louis barks out a laugh and pushes Harry’s legs off the edge off the couch. “You’re mean, kid! I’m never giving you free coffee again.”

“Yeah, right.” Harry smiles.

Louis smiles back, because it’s impossible not to smile at Harry, and jumps out of his chair. “Well, maybe not the coffee but you’re definitely helping me eat the last of this crumb cake.” Harry should say no and go home because this wasn’t the intention. All he wanted to do was give Louis his coat back but…yeah he can stay for a few slices of that cake.

It almost becomes a tradition after that. Everyday after school Harry will show up with his homework while Louis tends to the customers. They always spend the next few hours after that just talking about whatever comes to mind. Sometimes, if Harry seems sad, Louis will drag his guitar out of his car and play something until Harry smiles. Sometimes Harry will help Louis with the customers if it’s a particularly busy day and he’s up to his cute little glasses in orders. When Louis has to work weekends to make his rent and savings, Harry will come in early in the morning just to keep him company. It’s their everyday ritual for the two boys for an entire month.

The coffee shop becomes their safe place. Here, Harry can forget about his cuts, Tom, and the other bullies at school who still tease him relentlessly. Here, Louis can forget about what he should be doing with his life, where he’s going to be in ten years, and the future of the band. It’s a place where they both can relax in the worn cracked leather chairs and eat leftover pastries until their stomachs hurt and Louis jokes about having to roll themselves out to the car.

In reality, they’ve become each others safe place. When Tom follows Harry around shouting slurs and hurting him more than usual, and he sits on his bedroom floor sobbing, his arms and legs stained red, he finds relief in knowing Louis’s only a text message away. When Louis has to sit for hours on the phone with his mother while she chastises him for not having a  _life plan_  until he reaches the point of tears because music is all he ever wants to do and he just isn’t good enough to make it, he knows he can call Harry right afterward for comfort.

It’s early one Sunday morning near the end of March and Louis thinks Harry is the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen. The early morning light is sifting through his curls, creating almost a halo of sunshine around his head. He has flour on the tip of his nose and in his hair from where Louis threw it at him, and he smells sweet and spicy, like the pumpkin muffins he’s making. He’s been bouncing around the oven nervously and adorably ever since he put the muffins in, checking them every few minutes because this is the first time he’s ever baked all by himself and he doesn’t want to let Louis down. Louis can’t keep it in anymore, it’s all too much.

“Harry, would you maybe want to go out to dinner with me sometime?”

Harry looks over at him, completely startled, his wide eyes making him look for all the world like a deer caught in headlights. He finds himself waiting for the punchline. because surely someone like Louis Tomlinson can’t really be asking someone like himself out on a date. There’s isn’t punchline though, just Louis crossing and uncrossing his arms nervously over the little pouch of tummy that Harry secretly dreams about, and blushing violently red.

“Like a date?” Harry blurts out.

Louis bites his lip to keep himself from screaming a loud resounding yes. “Yeah, like a date Hazza.”

Despite growing so close over the past month, they very rarely see each other outside of the coffee shop. Besides living on entirely different sides of town, Louis spends most of his time that he’s not with Harry either catching up on sleep or working with the band. Harry, on the other hand, spends his time either holed up in his room or with Liam and Niall, who are starting to grow suspicious over his lack of presence lately. This combined with the fact that it’d be Harry’s very first date  _ever_ has him a little on edge.

When Harry doesn’t answer, Louis smiles and shakes his head. “You know what, I made it weird I’m sorry. Forget I said it.” He kind of wishes a sink hole would spontaneously open under his feet and just swallow him whole.

They’re both silent again for a moment, Louis praying for a multitude of ways to suddenly die, including being struck by lightening, and Harry trying desperately to get his courage up. He reaches for the oven and pretends to be checking the muffins again, when really all he’s doing is taking a very deep breath.

“I’d love to go to dinner with you.” Harry says when he stands back up, his voice soft and timid.

It’s as if the heavens have opened up and smiled upon Louis. He’s pretty sure he can hear a hallelujah chorus in the background somewhere because  _Harry said yes_. He tries to keep his tone under control but his smile has a mind of its own, eyes crinkling up so much his glasses almost fall to the floor. “Yeah? What about Saturday night?”

Harry ducks his head shyly and nods. “Saturday sounds great.”

“I have a gig that night, it’s early though we’re just the opening act,” Louis says, now speaking quickly like he always does when he’s excited. If Harry weren’t standing in front of him right now he’d be jumping up and down with joy, possibly even screaming. “I can come pick you up afterward or…you can come to the show if you want? You can even bring Niall and Liam so I can meet them, and then the two of us can go out to dinner after.”

Harry’s heart warms at this. “You wanna meet my friends?”

“Of course I do, they’re your friends Haz,” Louis says, as if it’s obvious. “Besides it’s only fair, you’ve met Josh and Zayn a thousand times.” He rolls his eyes a little at the thought of Zayn and Josh who seem to love popping in randomly and sharing embarrassing stories about Louis with Harry. Harry loves it though, so Louis never minds too much.

Harry starts nodding. “Yeah that sounds great. I’d really love that, Lou.”

Louis feels like his heart might beat out of his chest in a moment and it’s all too much and he has to excuse himself out into the shop by saying he has to unlock the doors. In actuality, Louis has to cover his scream with his hand and jump around excitedly like a teenage girl. Little does he know, Harry is back in the kitchen doing the exact same thing.

At lunch the next day Harry brings Louis and Niall two of the leftover muffins, which turned out so perfectly Louis tried to give him half the tips from the day and Harry never once stopped grinning, and waits until they’re eating to break the news.

“So I kind of got asked out on a date.” Harry says, going for a causal tone.

In the midst of the busy lunchroom, their table goes completely still. Liam drops his muffin onto his tray and Niall stares, mouth wide open, giving Harry a view of half-eaten muffin. He can understand their surprise of course. Ever since Harry came out, he’s been the only gay kid at school that anyone knows of. Besides that, pretty much everyone seems to hate Harry so yeah, it’s surprising.

Niall quickly swallows the muffin and is the first one to speak. “Seriously?” A wide and genuine grin spreads across his face. “Harry, that’s so fuckin’ great! Who is it?”

Harry shrugs, blushing now at the thought of Louis. “His name is Louis Tomlinson, he’s 19 and he works at a coffee shop in town. I’ve kind of been hanging out there with him for a bit, like a month or so.” It doesn’t sound enough to Harry, it doesn’t even begin to do justice to what Louis is to him. He doesn’t know how to explain to the boys that Louis is part of the reason Harry’s even alive right now, without them completely freaking out.

Liam hits the table, flattening the muffin under his hand and startling both the boys and a few of the surrounding tables. “I knew it!” He exclaims. “I knew there was someone!”

Harry’s blush only grows and he figures he probably looks like a curly haired tomato at this point. “How did you know?” Is Harry that obvious that anyone who looks at him can tell he’s absolutely head over heels for someone?

Liam rolls his eyes and tries to unflatten his muffin. “Because idiot, you disappear practically everyday without a trace and you’ve been smiling at nothing almost constantly, like people do when they’re in love in those movies my mum likes.” Liam sighs when his efforts to fix the muffin prove fruitless and he resolves to just eat it in little squashed up pieces.

“Don’t be so dramatic, Payne,” Harry says, shaking his head. “I think he might have just asked me out to be nice, really.” He’s been thinking about it ever since yesterday and that’s what seems to make the most sense. Why else would Louis have asked him out? Not to be mean or to make fun of him for sure, Louis doesn’t have a mean bone in his body and he seems to genuinely like having Harry as a friend. So, Harry has come to the conclusion that Louis’s just being polite because he’s noticed the younger boy has a bit of a crush on him.

A chip comes flying at Harry from Niall, landing precariously in his curly fringe. “Oh, fuck off Harry, people don’t ask people out to be nice idiot,” Niall says as affectionately as possible. “Besides, you’re really fit, right? I think I’d date ya.”

Harry grabs the chip and tosses it back. Niall promptly eats it, making Harry laugh and Liam cringe. “Thanks Ni,” Harry chuckles. “Anyway, I’m telling you mostly because he wants to meet you guys too.”

Liam nods, immediately snapping into protective best friend mode. “Of course, when?”

“Saturday night. His band is playing a show at a club, I told him I’d meet him there and then we’re going out for dinner. So, if you guys wanted to come watch-”

“He’s in a band?” Niall shouts. Again, a few heads turn to stare and Harry sinks further into his chair, praying they don’t know what the boys are talking about. “Christ Harry, you’ve struck boyfriend gold!”

Harry just smiles bashfully because he couldn’t have put it better himself.

The boys spend the rest of the lunch period talking about Louis; what he looks like, what kind of music his band plays, what Harry should wear to the date. For the briefest moment Harry feels like a normal teenager, giddy over a first date, exasperated with his friend’s embarrassing jokes, worried about telling his mother. When he tells Louis the boys agreed to come he’s only happier because Louis’s happier, going so far as to clap his small hands in excitement and scrunching his face up in a way Harry finds unbearably cute.

Harry doesn’t cut himself once that week, the longest he’s ever gone, and his hands only shake slightly when he takes a slip of paper from Louis Friday night with the name of the club and the address scribbled on it. He feels incredibly proud when Louis says he got Harry and the boys on a list so they’ll skip the line, because that means people are going to be lining up to see  _his_  Louis play.

The pride is quickly squashed by fear when Harry actually sees he line Saturday night. To be honest, he’s never actually been to a club before and this is partially the reason why. There are a lot of people, people who will probably take one look at Harry with his clumsiness, and his painstakingly styled hair, and his jumper, and think he’s a fucking idiot. Without even noticing, Harry reaches down and starts scratching at his wrists, squeezing his way in between Niall and Liam, and trying to appear smaller than he actually is. His recent growth spurt, whilst hilarious for teasing Louis, does nothing for his invisibility attempts.

Inside the club is better because it’s dark and Harry knows no one can see him clearly, but he doesn’t let go of his grip of Liam’s jacket sleeve. Liam and Niall are shouting over the dj’s music about never being able to get in here because the line is always ridiculous, and how they’ll have to keep Louis around even if the date fails. Harry knows they’re just kidding but they’re also basically spelling out his worst fears for him.

Liam points to the stage and yells into Harry’s ear; “That’s them, yeah?”

Zayn is out of the stage, fixing the microphones and using his kohl rimmed eyes to flirt ridiculously with a few girls huddled next to the stage. He has his bass swung over his shoulder and looks effortlessly attractive as always. Harry’s become jealous of how Zayn can roll out of bed and show up at the coffee shop at 9 in the morning just looking like that.

Louis is thinking the exact same thing backstage as he tries to fix his fringe, which he’s been working on all day, one last time. He checks the straps on his guitar nervously even though he knows they’re fine, and looks back out into the crowd. They’re all mostly here for the actual act but they still scream and cheer anyway when Louis, Zayn, and Josh set up. The band has become pretty well known in the area, something Louis is proud of but also very scared of. Local bands tend to create these little followings and then completely disappear within the span of a few months. Louis’ seen it happen time and again and prays every night that they’ll be different.

“How’s everyone tonight?” Louis shouts into the mic once they’re set up, and Harry instantly grins because this is the first time he’s ever seen Louis with contacts. His sea blue eyes flit around until they land on Harry in the middle of the crowd. Jealousy rises in his chest when he sees a guy wrap his arm around Harry’s shoulders and lean in way too close to his ear to talk. He figures it must be one of Harry’s friends because Harry smiles back and starts talking, but still.

“Ready Lou?” Zayn laughs away from the mic, obviously catching the sight as well.

Louis rolls his eyes and turns back to meet Harry’s eyes, somehow still green even from this far off. He grins and waves slightly at the boy, before bellowing into the microphone, “We’re One Direction, let’s have some fun, yeah?” and strumming his first chord.

Harry is unable to wipe the smile of his face during the entire show, looking like a proud mother. Halfway through the set, which is a mixture of original songs and covers from bands like The Kooks, Niall leans over closer to Harry.

“They’re really good! Louis’s the singer right?” Harry nods and Niall laughs and nudges him. “Way to go Styles” Harry laughs back and breaks his stoic stance, dancing along with the boys and probably looking like a complete idiot but it doesn’t matter because Louis is smiling right at him fondly as he does so.

The boy’s set eventually winds down and before Harry even realizes it, Josh is yelling into the microphone, thanking the crowd and introducing the next band. The crowd starts screaming again for one more song, and Harry, Liam, and Niall soon join in, clapping and jumping up and down.

On stage, Louis looks from Josh to Zayn, and then back into the crowd at Harry. Clearing his throat nervously, he steps back up to the microphone. “So, uhm one last cover tonight. This is for…well, hopefully they’ll know when they hear it.” He nods back at the other two, who are now smiling as well, and the beat starts.

It’s a lot slower than the other songs they’ve played, more like what Louis plays for Harry when it’s just the two of them left in the coffee shop late at night and they’re both nursing that last cup of tea. Harry knows that if Louis had it his way, they’d play more songs like this. Louis hasn’t ever said it, of course, but Harry can just tell by the way he gets so into it, closing his eyes and swaying slightly to the acoustics.

Niall suddenly grabs onto Harry’s arm, eyes wide. “Wait, is this-”

“ _Honey you are a rock, upon which I stand_ ,” Louis sings in his raspy, sweet voice. “ _And I come here to talk, I hope you understand. Green eyes yeah the spotlight, shines upon you_.”

Harry goes completely still while Niall starts shaking him like a madman. Liam seems to catch on after a few verses and soon both boys are freaking out, while Harry is still. He can do nothing but watch on transfixed as Louis sings, opening his eyes finally and staring straight into Harry’s, a soft smile playing around his lips. The smile is audible as they reach the bridge and his strumming gets faster. Both Josh and Zayn are smiling now as well with knowing looks in their eyes.

Louis sings the final verse and Harry realizes he’s been holding his breath almost the entire time. He lets it out slowly, followed by an almost inaudible whimper. Louis just sang to him in front of all these people, Louis sang a song just for Harry. It’s almost too much for the boy to handle and he thinks if he were alone, he’d probably be crying by now. He manages to keep it in somehow, and claps and cheers along with the rest of the crowd.

“Christ, that was proper romantic Harry.” Liam says, sounding breathless. Louis, Zayn, and Josh take a bow and leave the stage, Josh blowing numerous air kisses until Zayn has to physically pull him away.

“If you don’t shag him I might.” Niall pipes up.

Harry shakes his head at the both of them but his smile isn’t going anywhere. He can’t remember ever being this consistently happy before Louis came into his life, and he loves it. “C’mon, we’re gonna meet them backstage.”

The three of them weave through the crowd of dancing bodies until they reach backstage. An intimidating man with impressively large muscles goes to stop them but is practically mowed down by Louis, who comes running as soon as he sees Harry approaching.

“Hazza, you came!” Louis shouts, throwing his arms around Harry’s neck and almost knocking the poor boy over. He’s still got all that post-concert energy pent up and he needs to get it out somehow. That, combined with how nervous he is for his date has turned him into a petite little ticking time bomb.

Louis pulls back and grins at Harry, eyes crinkling more noticeably without the glasses. “What did you think? Be brutally honest!”

Harry has to stop himself from pulling Louis back into his arms, maybe even swinging him around once or twice. His cheeks are hurting from smiling but that doesn’t stop him from doing it again. “You guys were amazing, especially you Lou. You were-”

“Incredibly corny?” Zayn asks, sauntering up with one arm thrown over Josh’s shoulders.

Josh grins. “He made us practice that song every night for a week because it just had to be perfect.” Zayn laughs along with him and pulls Harry into his other side for a one armed hug, only to be pushed away by Louis.

“Hey hands off my Hazza, and shutup both of you.” Louis says, his voice going a bit high in embarrassment.

“Harry was blushing the whole time.” A voice comes from somewhere behind Harry.

Louis looks back and sees the two other boys, the blond Irish one who must be Niall, and the taller one who had his arm around Harry earlier who must be Liam. They’re both waiting with patient smiles, though Niall seems like he’s about to burst into laughter at any moment. Harry rolls his eyes and pulls them forward, introducing each of them to Louis, Zayn, and Josh. The boys all shake hands and start talking to each other, finding out about mutual friends and things Harry would know nothing about, because his only friends are here now.

“I’m gonna go change, I’ll be right back.” Louis whispers into Harry’s ear. The younger boy nods. When he turns back to the others, they’re all smiling at him.

Zayn finally speaks up, laughing slightly. “He honestly thought you weren’t going to show up. I had to sit him down earlier today before he started crying or something.” Harry looks confused and Zayn just laughs again. “Louis’s the kind of person who never expects anything of anyone. He’s still pleasantly surprised that the sun rises every morning.” Everyone laughs with Zayn while Harry just smiles because he knows its not something he should probably be laughing about. The voice in the back of his head had been telling him all week that he’d end up at the club only to find that Louis had just lied about the whole thing. It’s a strange thing to have in common, but still.

When Louis returns to the small area dressed and ready, he finds Harry sitting on an amp, his long fingers playing softly over Louis’ guitar, while Liam beatboxes and Niall tries a horrible attempt at rapping. Zayn and Josh are clapping along and trying to dance whilst laughing like maniacs. It’s strange seeing Harry outside of the coffee shop, but also thrilling for some reason because even outside of their little bubble, Harry is perfect.

“Alright, enough,” Harry laughs. “Stop before Niall starts cussing and gets us all thrown out.” Louis watches on, his expression softening when he sees how gently and carefully Harry puts his guitar down, knowing how important it is to Louis. Normally Louis hates if people even think about touching his guitar, but Harry is different. Harry is allowed to do whatever he wants with Louis, he doesn’t even have to ask.

Harry looks up and smiles at Louis, green eyes more vibrant than ever, and his heart has officially skipped a beat. “Ready to go, Haz?” He lets his eyes trail over Harry’s body as he slides off the amp and stands up. Harry’s still so young, all clumsy long limbs and too big feet, and Louis loves it. He loves how Harry’s still balancing out between child and adulthood, how his innocence is punctuated by momentary bouts of crude jokes or deep conversation.

Harry walks over and lets Louis wrap and arm around his waist, much to the older boy’s delight. Liam catches it and smiles. “Are we playing parents-meeting-the-boyfriend?” He asks.

Zayn gets the joke immediately, much to Louis’ horror. “I want him home by ten sharp!” He yells, shaking a finger in Harry’s face.

Niall is next, fixing his coldest gaze on Louis. “My Harry is a respectable boy, there’ll be no monkey business, do you hear me?”

Louis and Harry both groan. “Let’s go before they start quoting Mean Girls.” Louis hisses, tugging Harry’s waist and leading them out from backstage and into the crowd. He can hear Josh yelling about condoms and snacks just as he predicted, though Niall is helping him along. From the smirk on Harry’s face, Louis’s sure they both are starting to regret letting their friends meet each other.

The pair make their way through the crowd and out into the cold night air. They stay silent on the walk to the car, but it’s a comfortable silence, Louis’ arm still tight around Harry’s waist.

“I really liked the song. The uhm…the last one.” Harry says as he slides into the passenger seat. Louis absolutely beams at this. He was so scared Harry would hate it, or think it was too much too soon, which it probably is.

“It reminds me a lot of you, not just because of the eyes though. I promise I’m not that cheesy.” Louis winks and Harry smiles. “So, there’s this really good Italian place near the coffee shop actually. I thought we could go there.” Harry, smile still on his face, nods. Anything with Louis sounds good to him honestly, they could have their date in the actual coffee shop for all he cares, he would be happy as long as Louis were there with him.

The restaurant is a lot fancier than Louis let on. It’s almost entirely full and they have a reservation and everything at a table tucked back in the restaurant. Louis doesn’t say it but he picked the table for a reason. He knows how Harry can be about people and big crowds and the last thing he wants is for Harry to be anymore nervous than he probably already is. Harry orders some sort of chicken dish neither of them can pronounce, while Louis sticks to straight up pasta.

“What are you going to do when you become famous?” Harry asks. Louis picks at a breadstick, before laughing. His blue eyes light up and he shakes his head.

“We’re so far from famous Haz, it’s not even funny.”

Harry rolls his eyes and grabs one of the breadsticks, poking a shocked Louis in the face with it. “Don’t be down on yourself, you know you guys are great,” He smiles, happy that they’re still joking around even with the first date awkwardness. “Everyone there loved you, it’s only a matter of time.”

“Did you just assault me with a breadstick?” Louis asks, sounding scandalized. Harry grins cheekily and shrugs, taking a bite out of the breadstick. Louis sits back in his chair and thinks about the question for a moment. “If we ever did become famous, which won’t ever happen, I guess I’d just ride the wave you know? I wouldn’t want to take it too seriously.”

“Lou, you never take anything seriously.” Louis sticks his tongue out at him and Harry laughs, pointing like it’s evidence.

“And what about you, little Hazza bear?” Louis teases. “One of these days I’m going to get you to sing for me, and you’re going to be even more famous than I’ll ever be. It’s the curls.”

Harry shakes his head and looks down at the tablecloth. Maybe he will sing for Louis someday, once he’s certain this isn’t all one big ploy by Louis to be nice to him. He hasn’t sung in so long though, even to himself. After years of bullying he’s lost all the self esteem he once had. God only knows what he sounds like now, he wouldn’t want to disappoint Louis. Harry’s thoughts are racing now, his wrists itching to be cut to let it out, until a hand sneaks over and rest over his. He looks up and sees Louis looking at him, concerned.

“Alright, babe?” Louis asks softly, and Harry could cry. Louis is so sweet and patient. If he were anyone else, he’d probably have given up on Harry altogether by now. Harry nods biting at his lip.

“Yea, m’fine.” It takes a moment, but Harry grins, and Louis grins back.

It’s easier from there on out. Once Harry gets over the initial nervousness, they fall into their easy banter. It’s different of course, because this isn’t their coffee shop it’s a real live date, and something could come from this. They talk about a lot of things, from what Harry thinks he wants to do after school (Maybe a law degree or something in music), to how Louis met Zayn and Josh and started their band when they were fifteen (By annoying their families until they got their respective instruments for Christmas). By the time the two split their dessert, they’re even closer than they were only a few hours before. They fight over who pays which ends with Louis threatening to make Harry do dishes at the coffee shop for a week if he tries to take the bill once more.

When they walk out of the restaurant, they’re holding hands. They both pretend to act like it isn’t a big deal, when really they just want to laugh because of how right this feels. Harry’s brought back to the reality of the situation when he feels Louis’ pinky slip up towards his wrist, and he panics. Luckily though they’re near the car at this point, so Harry can pull his hand away without seeming suspicious. Their hands find their way back together over the gearshift almost immediately.

Louis pulls into Harry’s driveway and sighs. He looks over and sees Harry staring right back, green eyes sparkling like the stars behind him. His breath hitches in his throat and he has to hold in a groan because Harry is just so fucking beautiful.

“Lou?”

“Hmm, sorry?”

Harry smiles, looking down at their hands for a moment. “I just said I had a really nice time tonight. Thank you.”

“Of course, Hazza,” Louis squeezes the other boy’s hand, reassuring him.”I had a really nice time too, we should do it again. Maybe next weekend?”

Harry looks surprised. “R-really?” He stutters. “You would want to go out with me again?”

It hurts Louis how Harry doesn’t believe that he’d really want to be with him. Louis doesn’t understand how someone like Harry can think so little of himself. As if to prove a point, he untangles their fingers and leans forward to press his lips against Harry’s.

Harry gasps, this sweet little sound that only coaxes Louis closer. He leans forward and threads his fingers through Harry’s curls, something he’s been wanting to do since they first met. They’re softer than he imagined them to be which is pleasantly surprising.

Louis pulls away slowly, pecking Harry’s bottom lip once or twice more, just because he can. When they finally separate they’re both breathing heavily and grinning. Harry’s lips are sinfully red and Louis can’t stop himself from reaching forward and running his thumb over them, dragging one side up until Harry smiles and Louis pokes a finger in his dimple.

“Why did we wait so long to do that?” Harry muses. Louis lets out the laugh he’s been holding all night, laughing for how fantastic it went, for how insanely good Harry looks, how amazing the end of it has been Harry giggles back and dares to kiss Louis’ laughing mouth once more, before pulling all the way back.

“It’s way past Zayn’s ten o’clock curfew, Lou.”

Louis rolls his eyes and gently shoves Harry. “Oh, get out of my car.”

“I’ll see you Monday, yeah?” Harry opens the door and steps out, almost reluctant to do so. He wants to get back in the car, kiss Louis some more, maybe relive the night over and over again if he can.

Louis nods and smiles. “Monday. Sweet dreams, Harry.”

Harry shuts the door and practically skips off to his house while Louis drives away. He told his mother he was going to a concert so she isn’t awake to see the absolutely ridiculous grin on his face. Louis’ the first boy he’s ever kissed, the first boy he’s ever gone on a date with, the first everything for Harry. But of course, his joy can only last so long before his mind catches back up.

Harry soon finds himself staring at the ceiling, thinking. If they go out again, does that mean they’re in a relationship? Does kissing make it a relationship? What if Louis only wanted it to be a one time thing? If they’re in a relationship, won’t Louis have to find out about the cuts eventually? And then his thoughts turn to school. What will Tom and everyone else do to him if Louis is his boyfriend? Before he even realizes what he’s doing, Harry’s on the floor with the razor pressed up to his thigh.

_Faggot._

_Worthless._

_He could do so much better than you._

Sniffling, Harry reaches for his phone. He presses one hand down on his still bleeding cuts and answers his text messages, telling Niall and Liam about how great it was, and sending Louis a quick goodnight text like he always does. The one he gets back has more  _x_ ’s than normal and Harry cries himself to sleep

Over the next few days Harry finds himself going out with Louis most nights. He hangs out backstage while the band plays shows, always ending with  _Green Eyes_ just for Harry. They go for dinner after, alone or with the other boys, it doesn’t matter. The nights that they don’t go out are spent at the coffee shop just like they always have been, although Louis tends to stick much closer to Harry than he normally would. It’s a bit confusing for Harry because Louis still hasn’t said anything about labels and yet they almost always kiss goodnight and hold hands sometimes at dinner Whatever it is though, Harry is sure he doesn’t want it to end.

Exactly two weeks to the day of their first date, Louis turns to Harry over a batch of cookie dough and says; “Would you like to be my proper boyfriend?”

And Harry replies, “I proper would” which gets him a handful of sugar tossed at his face that Louis promptly kisses off of his lips.

No one else besides their little group of friends, and eventually Harry’s mother, know about the relationship. There aren’t exactly a lot of people to tell really, and even though Harry doesn’t say why, he wants to keep it a secret from the kids at school. Tom can probably sense something has changed though, because Harry is too happy even when he’s being shoved into lockers and called names, and so about a month later he punches Harry directly in the face in the locker room, followed by kicks to his chest once he’s sunk to the floor, that leave Harry breathless.

Tom picked today for a reason of course, it’s the perfect storm. He doesn’t know that Harry’s mom is away for the next few nights on business, but he does know Liam is gone at a footie tournament, and Niall has been home sick for two days. Harry is completely defenseless and far too happy, so Tom gets him for it.

Harry still has three classes left but he knows he can’t do it. His nose is bleeding profusely and if he even tries to leave the locker room he’ll get called into the office and end up making Tom angrier. Harry doesn’t know what else to do so he goes with his first instinct and grabs his phone.

“Hello love!” Louis answers on the first ring, tossing the remote in his hand across the couch. “Aren’t you supposed to be in class, you naughty boy?” It’s a pleasant surprise of course, he always loves to hear from Harry.

Harry laughs as best he can and wipes his nose with the bottom of his shirt. “I uhm…Lou are you busy?”

“Mm, no not until my shift starts at two,” Louis says happily, until he hears sniffling “Harry, what’s that noise? Are you crying?” Louis sits straight up on the couch, eyebrows furrowing as he tries to make out what’s happening on the other line.

Harry tries to pull himself together, he does honestly, but everything hurts so bad and he has no one to help him. “Could you c-come pick me u-up?” He breathes through little sobs.

On the other side of town, Louis is freaking out. He jumps up from the couch, ignoring the fact that he’s still in sweatpants, and grabs his keys. He waves to Zayn at the kitchen table, who has his ipod on full blast because it helps him write, trying to get his attention. “I have to go get Harry, something’s wrong. Can you do me a favor and call in for me, just say I’m sick and can’t talk.”

Zayn nods immediately, his eyes widening at how scared Louis seems. He hasn’t seen the older boy this bad since one of his twin sisters caught the flu and ended up in the hospital last fall. “Yeah Lou, of course. Are you driving? Try to calm down babe, okay?”

Harry, hearing this, starts to shake his head. Louis needs this money to pay his rent and he always puts some away into a savings account. He can’t call in for Harry’s sake, he never calls in. “N-No Lou, go to work. I-I’m alright j-just-”

“Harry, stop it,” Louis says, balancing the phone on his shoulder and writing his boss’ number on a piece of paper for Zayn. “I’ll be there in ten sweetheart, where am I going?”

Harry drops his head into his hands and cries for a bit because Louis is perfect. “School. The g-gym entrance. It’s the big-biggest building, you c-can’t miss it…L-Lou, don’t h-hang up.” He adds quickly, scared to death Tom might come back.

Louis’ heart physically hurts at this point. “I won’t baby, I promise.” He runs out of his flat and out into the parking lot. He drives well over the speed limit, not caring that he’s breaking multiple laws. When Harry’s silent for too long he gets worried.

“Hazza, still there?”

“Mhm,” Harry cries. “Louis, th-thank you. Thank you s-so much.”

Louis sighs, just wanting to be there already. “Of course baby, you can always call me and I’ll be there, alright? Don’t ever worry.”

“It hurts really bad Lou.” Harry whispers. He pushes himself up off the floor, wincing at the pain, and starts stumbling towards the bathroom to get paper towels for his nose.

Louis freezes up. “Someone hurt you? Where are Liam and Niall?” He grips the steering wheel even tighter, his knuckles turning white.

“Not here, n-no one’s here.” Harry breaks off into sobbing again.

“I’m here, love I promise. I’m almost there, I’m going as fast as I can.” Harry nods even though he can’t be seen, and sniffles some more.

Louis finally pulls up to the entrance marked  _Boys Locker Room_ after what feels like hours, but it’s really only been a few minutes. When Harry emerges he has his head down and he’s limping a bit. As soon as he gets into the car, Louis sees it. His eye is bruised and his nose is bleeding, despite the tissues he has pressed up to it, and he has one arm holding his stomach.

“Lou.” Harry whines. Louis reaches forward and grabs Harry, pulling him into his arms.

“Baby, what happened? Who did this to you?”

Harry just shakes his head and buries his face into the crook of Louis’ neck. “I’m s-sorry, can you take me h-home? You cant still g-go to work. I’m s-sorry.”

“No, baby, no,” Louis whispers. “Your mom isn’t home, I’m not leaving you there alone. Come home with me, alright? Please?” He waits until Harry nods to kiss the top of his boyfriend’s head and start driving. Harry curls up in the front seat and cries silently to himself. Louis keeps one hand near Harry that the younger boy just grabs onto while he cries.

When they reach Louis’ flat, Louis helps Harry in through the door. “Holy shit, Harry what happened?” Zayn says, pushing his chair away and standing up.

“Did you call work?” Louis asks.

“Yeah, they said it’s fine. You’ve never actually missed a day of work, you know that?” Zayn shakes his head and gets back to the topic. “Anyway, Harry?”

The younger boy wipes at his nose with the tissue, happy to see it’s mostly stopped bleeding. “There’s…there’s this guy at my school. He kind of hates me.”

Louis frowns at this and goes back to smoothing his hands through Harry’s curls. “Zayn, can you get some ice? We’re going to my room.” Zayn nods and walks off to the kitchen.

Harry settles in on Louis’ bed, looking around. It’s small but cluttered with posters of his favorite bands, random instrument pieces, and dirty clothes everywhere. “I’ve never been in you room before,” He says softly. “It’s very you.”

Louis sits down beside him and starts brushing his curls back, examining his eye and nose. “You’re gonna have a hell of a shiner, baby love.” Louis says, mournfully.

“S’okay.” Harry murmurs.

“It really isn’t though. Please tell me it was an accident.” Louis watches for a nod but doesn’t get one. Harry just stares at him, tears in his eyes. “Tell me about this boy.”

Harry shrugs and leans closer to Louis until the older boy pulls him up against his chest and into his lap. “His name is Tom. We were friends when we were kids, like best friends. The four of us all were until…I came out. Two years ago, when he found out I was gay he just turned on me. He hits me a lot, calls me names, pushes me around. He used to follow me home everyday until I met you. The night we met, I was running away from a party because he showed up and started threatening me in front of all those people and no one but Niall was going to stop him. Only Niall, can you imagine? Tom would eat him from breakfast.”

“How old is he?” Louis asks, relying on all his self control to keep his voice in check.

Harry frowns and shrugs. “About 18, why?”

“Good because I’m going to kick his ass.”

Harry sits straight up, bracing his hands on Louis chest and shaking his head. “No, no Lou you can’t do that. Please, you can’t.” His bottom lip quivers at the thought of Tom hurting Louis. Tom wold do it too, just because it would hurt Harry as well.

“I’m not just going to let him hurt you Harry!”

He has no answer for that. No one has ever really wanted to protect him, well, Liam and Niall do but Harry won’t let them. What’s he supposed to do, ask Louis to let Tom continue to hurt him? Unsure of what to say, Harry just wraps his arms around Louis’ neck and starts whispering his biggest fears. “I don’t want him to hurt you Louis, please. He only did it because he knows the boys are gone, it’s never this bad. I can handle it Louis, I promise.”

Louis hugs him back because he isn’t sure what to say either. He was never really bullied in school much, it was kind of an accepted fact that Louis was gay, he didn’t even really come out now that he thinks about it. Of course he wasn’t immune to it, he had his fair share of curses and fights over his sexuality, but it never hurt as much as this does. Nothing has ever hurt Louis more than seeing his Harry like this, beaten, bruised, and broken.

“This is why I didn’t want anyone at school to know,” Harry whispers. “Tom would hurt you to hurt me, or talk about you to me, and I couldn’t do it.”

Zayn comes in with an icepack wrapped in cloth. “Here, lemme see.” He carefully turns Harry’s chin until he can see his nose and eye. “Looks like me after a bar fight, I don’t think it’s broken though. Keep the ice on it, alright? I’ll find you something to take for the pain.”

“Thanks Zayn.” Harry murmurs, wincing when the ice touches his skin.

“’Course babe.” Zayn scratches Harry’s curls slightly and leaves again, sparing a worried glance towards Louis on the way out.

Louis hugs Harry tight to him for a little while linger, rocking them back an forth and humming softly in his ear. Eventually Harry wraps an arm around his knees and curls up into a small ball, like he’s trying to disappear. Maybe he is, Louis thinks to himself. It all sort of makes sense now, the first night they met, how Harry would sometimes show up sadder on some days than others. It’s different now though, because Louis’s going to protect him. He isn’t ever going to let anyone hurt his boyfriend like that again.

Little does he know Harry’s doing so much worse to himself.

Louis sighs. “Do you want to stay here tonight? You can take the bed, I’ll take the couch.”

Harry shrugs. “I don’t want to do that to you.”

Louis kisses behind Harry’s ear softly and closes his eyes. “I don’t want you to be alone.” He whispers, his breath stirring the soft curls at the nape of Harry’s neck. Harry doesn’t say anything else, just rests his head on Louis’ shoulder and closes his eyes.

“Do you ever feel like you weren’t meant to be here?” Harry asks. He can’t see the way Louis looks at him but he can feel it, so he shrugs. “Like maybe you weren’t meant to happen and God just threw together this thing and called it a person?” Harry doesn’t say it, but that’s how he’s always felt, ever since he was very young, too young to be having those types of thoughts. Back when he first started noticing he was different from everybody else in more than a few ways.

Louis tightens his grip on Harry like he’s trying to hold the boy together. “Don’t think that way, alright? You are meant to be here, Harry. You have to be here for Niall, Liam, your mum, and me. Even Zayn and Josh, they need you now too. So don’t think like that baby, please.” Harry just nods and pinches the skin of his wrists, not wanting to say what he’s thinking. Just because you’re told not to think a certain way doesn’t mean you can stop, but Louis probably doesn’t realize that.

Zayn brings Harry some medicine for the pain and the three of them return to the living room. Louis and Harry set themselves up on the couch, Harry in one of Louis’ giant hoodies laying between Louis’ legs, and Louis with his fingers playing in Harry’s curls and massaging his scalp. Zayn has to leave for work as a bartender a few hours later, leaving the two of them alone. Louis decides if they’re going to have a lay in it’s going to be a proper lay in, and calls for chinese takeaway.

Even with a black eye and a swollen nose, Harry is still adorable to Louis. Especially now, sitting crosslegged next to Louis, picking at his food with his chopsticks pretending like he knows how to use them. Louis laughs every time he drops his noodles back on the plate, until Harry reaches over and stabs a piece of Louis’ sesame chicken with his chopstick and pops it into his mouth with a triumphant smile. This leads into a play fight that ends with Harry pushed back on the couch, Louis holding himself over the younger boy and kissing him carefully, chinese food completely forgotten.

Harry then decides they need to make cookies for Zayn as a thank you, only to find there’s absolutely no cookie mix or anything that could even be considered ingredients. Louis somehow lets himself get talked into an impromptu grocery store trip, Harry giving him his best puppy dog eyes and pouty lip until Louis finds himself being pulled through the aisles by a boy in giant sweatpants and a hoodie thats falling off his shoulder. Louis thinks he might be a little bit in love with this boy, but quickly shuts that down as ridiculous. They’ve only been together a little over a month, that’s too soon to fall in love…right?

“Sugar or chocolate chip?” Harry giggles, holding up two packets of mix, eyes lit up with happiness. Louis picks sugar and tries to convince himself that a little over a month is too soon to fall in love.

When it’s time for bed, Harry is incredibly exhausted but still manages to stop Louis from going to the couch with a hand on his arm and a soft, “We…we wouldn’t have to-”

“Of course not. Nothing you aren’t ready for, Hazza, I promise.” Louis says firmly and Harry believes him. Harry plays little spoon that night, even though he’s taller, just because he likes to be held. Louis wraps his arms securely over Harry’s belly, over the sweatshirt Harry makes sure of that, and falls asleep to the sweet smell of Harry’s shampoo and sugar cookies.

Zayn comes home that night around two in the morning and finds a mess in the kitchen, fried rice scattered all over the living room floor, and a plate of cookies on the dining room table with a note saying  _Thaaaank Yoooou Zayniiieeee- Loooove Harry! (And Lou)_ with a bunch of hearts drawn on around it. When he passes Louis’ room, he sees the two of them holding each other while they sleep and can’t even be angry about it. He just sighs and pulls the blankets up higher around the two of them, and goes to sleep himself.

Louis calls in to work again and drives Harry to school the next morning, running his thumb of Harry’s shaky fingers. The black eye and his nose are worse than they were the day before, so bad that Louis tried to convince Harry he should stay home. Harry refused though, because he already called Liam and he’s waiting, and he can’t let Tom think he’s won, even though he has. Louis checked and double checked that Niall and Liam had his phone number before he let Harry leave the flat.

“If anything happens you’ll call me, right?” Louis asks, watching Harry nervously mess with his backpack zippers.

“Yeah, I promise.” Harry leans forward and kisses Louis softly, smiling as they pull back. There’s a knock at the window and they both turn to see Liam, looking distraught and pissed off all at once.

Louis gives Liam a small wave and kisses Harry once more. “Have a good day, sweetheart. I’ll come pick you up later, yeah?”

Harry smiles and slips out of the car. Liam tugs him close immediately, eyes searching around. “Li, what are you doing?”

“I’m going to kill him. Louis’ll get arrested for it, I probably won’t if it’s on school grounds. So I’m doing it for Louis, really.” Harry tries to protest but Liam doesn’t hear any of it, just keeps walking towards the school. Tom is waiting around outside the building and starts laughing when he sees Harry.

“Oh, Harry what happened to your face?” Tom calls, striding up with his friends following. “Must have hit it while you were fucking your faggot boyfriend, huh?”

Harry bristles up but doesn’t say anything. He tries to pull Liam away but Liam is having none of it. He holds tight onto Harry and stares Tom down. “You wanna fuck with him again, go ahead Tom. Do it,” Tom looks shocked but doesn’t say anything. Liam laughs. “You’re such a coward, Tom. You can only pick on him when he’s defenseless, is that it? You think that makes you stronger somehow? Fine, show me how strong you are, right now. Show me.

Tom says nothing, just crosses his arms and takes a step forward. Liam moves to punch him, but Tom is just going for Harry’s ear, whispering into it. “You just wait, Harry, one of these days. You’ll think they can protect you but they can’t. You’re fucking  _unnatural_ _.”_  With that, he pulls back, turns on his heel, and leaves.

“What did he say?” Liam whispers. Harry just shrugs.

“What he always says.” He lies. “Thanks Li.”

Liam starts to leave but Harry shakes his head. “I think I’m gonna go back to Louis’,” He says, pulling out of Liam’s arms. “My nose is hurting pretty bad, I’ll just call him to come pick me up. He probably hasn’t gone very far.”

The bell rings for homeroom and Liam looks from the school to Harry, trying to decide what to do. “Are you sure? I can wait for him with you if you want?”

Harry sticks on a smile and shakes his head. “Go on, I’ll be fine I promise.” It takes a few more words of coaxing before Liam finally pulls Harry into a bone crushing hug, and goes into the school. Harry sticks around by the front enterance until he’s sure Liam can’t see him anymore, and then he starts walking.

He knows he should probably call Louis and go back to his flat, or at least text him and let him know he’s okay, but he doesn’t do any of those things. Instead, he just walks home, replaying every word that’s ever been thrown at him over and over. All Harry does is cause trouble for his friends, and now for Louis, because he’s disgusting, worthless, ugly, unnatural.

The house is empty until early tomorrow morning when Harry’s mom will get back home, and he doesn’t even have to think about it, it’s just routine. Harry slips his hand under the mattress and grabs the nearest razor, curling his fingers around it until it pierces the skin of his palm. Next he goes to the bathroom and strips completely, taking a moment to look at himself in the mirror, looking at his too skinny body, the acne on his face, the scars littering his arms and thighs. Finally, he turns the shower on as hot as it goes, hot enough to turn his skin red and raw almost instantly, and climbs in.

The blade slices neatly over Harry’s skin, opening it up seamlessly and staining his already red skin crimson. He cuts for Tom and his words, he cuts for Liam and Niall, he cuts for Louis, and finally he cuts for himself. Harry’s let himself down, the scars are just a testament to that. He stays sitting at the bottom of the shower, until his fingers go pruny, watching the blood run from his arms and legs down the drain like something out of a horror movie, but this is reality for Harry. He can’t just turn it off no matter how hard he tries.

Harry stays in the shower for far too long, all day actually. He’s too woozy from the blood loss and the steam to pull himself out anyway, so he sits there, crying silently, his curls hanging wet and limp around his face, pathetic sobs finding their way out of his chest every few minutes. He loses track of time, blacking out for a little bit of it, and doesn’t even realize that it’s 3 o’clock now and Louis’s sitting in front of his school in his car waiting.

When Harry doesn’t come out after a few minutes he starts to worry. Harry’s almost always at the coffee shop by now, or at least texting Louis on his way there. Louis spots Liam walking out of the doors along with a few other guys and starts waving.

“Louis, hey,” Liam calls as he jogs to the car. His face scrunches up in confusion and he leans into the window. “What are you doing here? Didn’t you pick Harry up earlier?”

Cold fear strikes through Louis’ chest. “No, he hasn’t even texted me back all day. He isn’t here?” Liam shakes his head, looking equally frightened now. “C’mon, get in the car, maybe he went home.” Liam nods and tosses his bag in the back seat, barely getting his seatbelt on before Louis speeds off towards Harry’s house. He calls Niall on the way over, who’s still sick in bed and hasn’t seen Harry at all either. The fear in the car is palpable, even though neither of them are really sure what they’re so afraid of.

The loud knocking at his door while Liam fumbles for a key is what startles Harry up. He can hear Louis down there, calling his name and panic hits him. He can’t let Louis see him like this, he can’t let anyone see him like this. Shaking and stumbling around, Harry manages to get to his feet and turn the shower off, getting to his room as fast as he can while bracing himself along the wall. He doesn’t even bother putting on underwear or clean the new scars, just throws on the nearest jumper and sweat pants and climbs into his mountain of pillows and blankets.

“Harry? Harry, are you here?” Liam’s voice calls from downstairs. Harry squeezes his eyes shut and stays that way until he feels soft hands brushing over his face and warm lips against his forehead.

“Harry? Wake up, sweetheart.”

Harry pries his eyes open and smiles softly. Louis is kneeling by his bed and Liam is in the doorway and they both look incredibly confused. “M’sorry. I was gonna call but I didn’t want to bother you.” It almost makes him sick how easily he lies, but the softening of the fear on their faces makes him feel better.

“Baby, you can’t just disappear like that alright?” Louis whispers, hands still brushing softly over Harry’s face and through his wet curls. “We were really worried. You wouldn’t have been bothering me, you know that I love having you around.” Louis hopes that his _I love you_ is implied because he can’t make himself say it. He’s scared what Harry will do, what if he doesn’t love Louis back? What if he freaks out and they break up, all because Louis has no handle on his emotions when it comes to this kid?

Harry nods and scoots forward, dropping out of the bed and wrapping his sleepy form around Louis, sighing into his boyfriends neck. “I won’t do it again Lou, promise. M’sorry Li.”

Louis holds him and frowns. “Are you alright Harry? You’re kind of shaky and pale.”

Harry closes his eyes. “I think I might’ve caught whatever Niall has,” He lies again. “Liam should make me a grilled cheese because he loves me and he makes the best grilled cheese and I love him too.” He peeks an eye open and sees Liam laughing in the doorway, walking away and down the steps to make him the grilled cheese.

Louis just smiles and kisses Harry’s forehead. “Such a lucky boy, aren’t you?” He teases.

Harry nods. “Incredibly so.”

Louis somehow manages to keep his  _I love you_ to himself for another three months. It’s three months he’d relive over and over again if he could. Louis and Harry become almost impossibly close, Louis gets to meet Harry’s mother for the first time and then he drives Harry back home a week later to meet his own mother and sisters. Summer comes to Harry’s relief, giving him a break from Tom and the kids at school and more time with Louis.

They spend the summer in the coffee shop, Harry trying new baking recipes and learning to play Louis’ guitar, Louis attempting to create a drink named after Harry but ending up with a bunch of cappuccinos with badly drawn foam art. When they aren’t at the coffee shop, Louis’ band is playing shows almost every night, or Louis is demanding they walk in the park so he can tan while Harry teases him about being high maintenance or they’re just together, hanging out with the other boys or watching movies. Harry seems happier because he’s away from the bullies, and he is, but Louis doesn’t know he’s cutting just as much as he always does. He still keeps his long sleeved shirts, and pants throughout the most sweltering days, sometimes trading them in for long shorts and bracelets almost up to his elbows that Louis puts off as Harry’s quirky hipster side acting up.

On their four month anniversary Louis shows up at Harry’s house far too early in the morning and makes him pack so he can drive the two of them out to the beach. It’s a surprise, one he’s already cleared with Harry’s mother about a week ago when the idea spontaneously popped into his mind. Anne loves Louis, he makes Harry happier then she can ever remember him being, so of course she says yes when Louis practically begs her to let Harry spend a week with him, promising to call every night and to take care of him and on and on until Anne had to practically kick him out of the house.

“Where are we going? If I’m being kidnapped, I think I should at least get to know where to.” Harry laughs, sticking his arm out the window of the car and making wave motions, fingers cutting through the wind.

Louis just shakes his head and turns the radio up louder, shouting the lyrics at Harry, something about carrying on even if he’s lost and alone. Harry grins back, thinking of how ridiculous his boyfriend is, and watches the scenery pass. His mind lingers back to school which starts up again soon, something Harry really doesn’t like to think about but it still gets to him.

“What happens when I go to uni?” Harry asks suddenly. He’s been thinking about universities to apply to lately and is leaning towards Manchester as a first choice. It isn’t something they’ve talked about at all because it’s still a long way off yet, but Harry wants to know now so he can prepare himself for the possible heart break.

Louis just shrugs, not looking away from the road. “I’d follow you anywhere, Hazza.” Harry’s breath catches in his throat and he cant stop the huge grin on his face. It isn’t a straight answer but it’s enough for now. Louis squeezes Harry’s fingers and starts singing again.  _Lights will guide you home, and ignite your bones, and I will try to fix you._

Louis has no idea how true those lyrics are.

Harry laughs for about five minutes when he sees the suite Louis has gotten them for the weekend, because it’s just ridiculous. It’s massive, far too big for just the two of them, with a small living room, a kitchenette, a balcony, and possibly the biggest jacuzzi bathtub Harry has ever seen in his life. Leave it to Louis to find someplace like this for a simple four month anniversary.

From the balcony they can see straight out onto the beach where people are running around and splashing in the sea together. Louis wraps his arms around Harry from behind when he finds the boy out there, looking out and leaning on the railing.

“Do you like it?”

“Are you kidding?” Harry smiles back at Louis over his shoulder. “It’s amazing Lou, I can’t believe you did this, it must have been crazy expensive.”

Louis kisses the back of Harry’s neck and sighs. “Zayn knows a guy. Of course I did it…I love you Harry.”

Harry stills completely in Louis’ arms and the older boy freaks out. Now he’s ruined it all, Harry isn’t ready to say it back and now it’s going to be awkward. What on earth was he thinking? “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to-I mean, I did but-you don’t have to say anything-” Louis is cut off when Harry whirls around and kisses Louis full on the mouth, backing them up into the glass door, long fingers sliding behind Louis’ neck and tugging him closer.

“You love me?” He asks, breathless and giddy.

Louis nods. “Yeah I do. A lot, actually.” He sees tears forming at the sides of Harry’s eyes and gasps. “Oh, baby don’t cry. Please don’t cry.”

Harry shakes his head and laughs. “You meant it? You really love me, you aren’t joking?”

“Why would I be joking Har-mph!” Harry kisses his boyfriend into silence again, lingering on Louis’ lips each time he pulls back for air.

“I love you too Louis. So much.” Harry laughs against Louis’ lips, happy tears falling down his cheeks and diving into his dimples.

Louis shakes his head and pulls Harry down so they can hug. “Christ, we’re so fucking dramatic Haz, you know that?”

“Wouldn’t have it any other way.” Harry chuckles back.

The two of them pull apart eventually, Louis declaring that this is cutting into his beach time and Harry hitting him over the head with a decorative pillow. Harry worries a little but manages to get into the bathroom where he slips on the longest pair of swimming trunks that cover up all the scars on his legs, and covers the scars on his wrists with a few well placed bracelets. Louis teases him about getting tan lines on his arms but is more than pleased that he gets to let his fingers run all over Harry’s abs and arms. He’s reached the point where his baby fat is completely gone, leaving straight up muscle behind. Louis loves it.

“You know, you’re quite fit,” Louis muses as they make their way across the sand. “I might have to stamp  _Property of Louis_  across your forehead so no one tries to steal you away from me.”

Harry rolls his eyes, but smiles. “If you do that, then I get to tattoo _Property of Harry_  on your bum.” He reaches over and pinches Louis’ bum gently and Louis yelps, pulling away and kicking sand at his boyfriend.

“Oi! Hands off the merchandise!” He cries, faking shock.

“It’s my merchandise!” Harry shoots back.

Louis tries to keep the smile off his face, the crinkles around his eyes giving him away immediately. He’s traded his glasses for contacts today, only worsening his poker face. “It is not.”

“Is so, say it,” Harry teases. “I own your arse Louis Tomlinson, say it.”

Louis shakes his head and tries to run off but Harry grabs him around the waist and pulls them down to the sand. Harry digs his fingers into Louis’ sides, tickling his boyfriend relentlessly as they roll around. “No, I won’t!” Louis says through ridiculous laughter.

Harry smiles and pins Louis down by his wrists, straddling his stomach. “Ha! I win!” Harry giggles. “Say it Louis! Say ‘Harry Styles owns my arse’.”

Louis shakes with laughter, almost unable to breath at this point. Harry is still leaning over him, his curls blocking out the sun and smiling like an imp. He looks indescribably beautiful as always, but Louis would be the first to admit that they way they’re positioned is incredibly sexy. “Fine, fine!” He shouts when Harry goes to start tickling him again. “Harry Styles owns my arse!” People around them are staring now, a few of them seeming scandalized, while others just smile knowingly. Louis wonders if they look in love, and he thinks they must because of they are, surely anyone can see that.

Harry grins, lighting up his whole face even brighter than the sun does. He leans down and kisses Louis lightly. “Louis Tomlinson owns my heart.” He whispers. Louis takes a sharp breath in and Harry giggles again, rolling off Louis’ stomach and laying across the hot sand.

“You’re so cheesy.” Louis chuckles, once he’s caught his breath.

“I know, but you love it.” Harry says sounding hopeful.

Louis reaches over and intertwines their fingers in the sand, squeezing softly. “I do.”

The two of them decide to set up their towels right there. Louis is content to lay around and tan until Harry starts pulling on him and pouting, eventually half carrying him out into the water. The older boy watches on in awe at Harry’s abundant energy as soon as he gets in the water. He splashes around like a five year old, dragging Louis around with him, seeing how long he can hold his breath, looking for fish, challenging Louis to races. He keeps tugging on his boyfriend’s hand and chattering, “Lou, Lou watch this. Louis are you watching? Baby, Lou, Louis I got up to thirty seconds watch.” sounding like Louis talking to his mother when he was younger.

Eventually Louis starts backing out of the water, telling Harry they need to get lunch. “Come on baby Tarzan, I’m an old man I need my oatmeal. You’re killing your brain cells under there.” Louis interlaces their fingers and starts tugging while Harry blows bubbles into the water.

Harry rolls his eyes but follows finally. “You aren’t old, you’re 19.”

“Almost 20, I’m practically a pedophile,” Louis wraps his arms around Harry’s waist and starts chuckling deep in the back of his throat. “Come back to my room, little boy, I have candy.”

Harry shoves him off. “Jesus Lou, you’re such a creep.” But he keeps one of his hands holding onto Louis’ and they walk back to their blanket. They dry off and Harry slips on a hoodie, before walking off to find food. They end up with hot dogs and chips that they eat while they walk along the beach, Harry stopping every once and awhile to buy something for one of the other boys and Louis’ sisters.

“By the time you give them all of that it’ll look like they’re the ones who went on vacation, not us.” Louis laughs, pointing down at Harry’s hands which are full of bags.

Harry shoves him into the lift of the hotel, hitting him with one of the bags. “Shutup Lou. You know your sisters are going to love me for this.”

“I think you like being around my sisters and my mum more than you like being around me.”

Harry sighs and shakes his head sadly. “It’s sad but true.” He turns back and smiles at his boyfriend, tugging him along back to their suite. Harry drops his bags of souvenirs at the door and heads for the balcony. Louis smiles at him fondly because he secretly loves that Harry loves his family and they love him too. He goes into the kitchenette to make them tea, bringing it out and finding Harry sitting on the floor of the balcony, hands around his knees, staring out at the sunset.

“Watcha thinking about, baby?” Louis asks, setting the mugs next to Harry’s feet and joining him on the ground.

Harry shrugs and rests his chin on his arms. “Do you ever think of how small you are?”

Louis hums under his breath and shrugs. “You mean in the physical sense or…”

Harry smiles and shakes his head. “No in the universe I mean, or even in life,” He whispers. “Sometimes it feels like nothing I do will really matter in the end. I could die tomorrow and not leave anything for anyone. Who’s going to remember me, Lou? In twenty years, or ten, or five, or even one. Who would even care or want to remember me? I just feel…I feel really insignificant and tiny in the grand scheme of things.” Harry sighs and reaches for his tea, sipping it quietly.

It’s times like this where Louis wishes he could make Harry see himself like Louis sees him. Harry thinks so little of himself, while Louis is absolutely positive that Harry is incredible. Louis reaches for Harry’s hand and kisses his knuckles one by one until his dark green eyes flicker up to meet Louis’.

“You aren’t insignificant Harry, not to me,” Louis whispers. Harry gives him a small smile, his upper lip pulling only slightly. “Can I tell you something?”

“”Course Lou.”

“Before we met I was ready to give up on everything really,” Louis says, eyes never leaving Harry’s who is watching with genuine interest. “My life was going absolutely nowhere, Haz, it was the same shit everyday. I was shit. Waking up at noon, making coffee all night for the same people, playing gigs with the band at the same empty pubs. I pretty much failed my way through school, so there’s no chance of me ever getting into uni or ever getting a job better than the coffee shop, because music is all I’m good at. I couldn’t even hold down a relationship really, I would just end up bringing randoms home if I felt like it. Mum would call me almost every night to ask me what I was planning to do with my life, telling me ‘you can’t keep living like this Louis’ and I just thought, that’s it you know? I’d always be suspended there, caught at the dead-end job, saving up for god knows what. And then you…you changed that Harry. You gave me something to look forward to everyday, something I could plan on besides my routine. I feel like you made me better at my job, and in the band because I’m just happier. You’re something I can count on, Harry, something I know I can be sure about. You’re my constant.”

Harry feels like he might start crying all over again. He’s never felt really important to anyone, always felt like he needed everyone else more than they needed him. His mother always had Gemma and Liam and Niall had each other and their other friends. And here’s Louis who’s now watching the waves crash along the sand, telling Harry that’s he’s his constant. He slides closer and wraps his arms around Louis’ shoulders, leaning his head down in the crook of Louis’ neck and sighing.

“I love you Louis,” Harry whispers. “And you aren’t shit, and your life is going somewhere. You’re amazing, and talented, and I am so lucky to have you.”

Louis closes his eyes and sighs. “I love you too, Harry.”

They stay like that until the sunset is replaced by sparkling stars and whatever is left of the tea has gone cold. Harry falls asleep on Louis, murmuring in his sleep and tightening his hold on Louis every once and awhile. Louis smiles down at him and kisses his cheek softly.

“Baby love, let’s go to bed. You’re shivering.”

Harry whines under his breath but rouses a bit. He blinks his eyes open sleepily, and smiles when he sees Louis staring at him. “You’re warm.”

Louis laughs and grabs the mugs. “Yes well, I can be warm inside too I promise.”

Harry stretches, his features still soft from sleep and nods. He lets Louis help him to his feet and they walk back into the room. By the time Louis returns from washing the mugs out, Harry’s changed into pajamas and is curled up in the middle of the bed. He’s beautiful when he sleeps, eyelashes just brushing his porcelain cheeks, breath stirring the curls around his face, arms pulled up to his chest and knees tucked up as well. Louis thinks he could go to bed and wake up to that sight everyday for the rest of his life and still not get tired of it.

The bed dips under Louis’ weight when he crawls on it, over to Harry’s side. Harry opens his eyes briefly and grabs onto Louis, pulling the older boy close to his chest. “Thank you for this Lou. Goodnight.”

Louis ducks his head into the crook of Harry’s neck, kissing the skin there softly. “Goodnight Harry, love you.”

“Love you too.”

During the night Harry must have gotten hot in his hoodie, because when Louis wakes up he’s wearing only a thin t-shirt that actually belongs to the older boy. Louis smiles and kisses Harry gently on the forehead, before getting up and padding into the kitchen for orange juice. It’s too early to be awake yet, so Louis heads back for bed. That’s when he notices that Harry’s bracelets are gone too, and Louis finally sees why they were there in the first place.

All along Harry’s wrists are cuts, thin raised lines, some faded and some bright red, a stark contrast to his skin. Maybe one or two might seem like an accident but there are  _hundreds_  Louis thinks to himself in horror. Not just on one wrist, but on both.

“Lou bear, come back to bed.” Harry grumbles, rolling around onto his back. When he sees Louis’ face he frowns and wipes his eyes. “What’s wrong?”

“Harry what are those?” Louis’ tone is off and it’s honestly sort of scary to hear.

Harry sits up, running his hands through his hair and blinking away the bleariness of sleep. When he goes to put his hands back down, he notices that his wrists are on full display and Louis’ blue eyes are staring right at them. Harry’s heart drops into his stomach and he breaks into a cold sweat.

“I…Louis I…” He trails off, unsure of what to say. No one has ever noticed his scars before, he’s never had to explain them to anyone, especially not to someone he loves, not to someone like Louis.

“Harry, you did that?” Louis’ voice breaks. “You did that to yourself?”

Harry opens and closes his mouth a few times, before shaking his head. He can’t handle this, it’s too much. Before Louis even realizes what’s happening, Harry is pushing himself off the bed and making a run for the bathroom. He slams the door shut and locks it, sinking to his knees on the tile and sobbing. Louis stands stunned for a moment before coming to his senses and running over to the door, uselessly trying the handle.

“Harry? Harry, open the door.” Louis yells.

Harry covers his face with his hands and shakes his head. “Go away, please. Just, go I need to…please leave.” He moans like a child, unable to string his words together correctly.

Louis tries to keep the tears out of his voice, not wanting to upset Harry any further. “Sweetheart, please I just want to help.”

“Please go away,” Harry whispers. “I’m okay, I just need to get it out.”

The words make Louis’ heart physically hurt. He rests his forehead against the door and sniffles, his chest heaving. “This isn’t how you deal with your problems, baby. Open the door, please. Let me help you.”

Harry looks down at his wrists, flaring red again because he’s driven his fingernails there like he always does when he’s upset. He can hear Louis on the other side of the door crying and that breaks his heart because this isn’t what he wanted at all. Louis shouldn’t cry about this, this is Harry’s fault. It’s his problem. After a few minutes of silence he turns and reaches for the doorknob.

“You aren’t angry with me?”

Louis perks up and wipes the tears away from his eyes. “I’m not angry Harry baby, I’m really not. I promise. Please let me in.”

Harry sighs and unlocks the door, before scooting across the floor to lean against the bathtub. The door creaks open and Louis pokes his head in. When he sees Harry curled up on the floor he lets out a strangled sob and walks over, falling to his knees and pulling Harry into his arms.

“Oh god, baby why? Why would you do this to yourself?” Louis whispers, shaking his head like he doesn’t even believe it’s happening.

“I’m sorry,” Harry cries into Louis’ shoulder. “It’s the only thing that makes me feel better, it’s all that helps.”

Louis squeezes Harry tight and shakes his head. “No it doesn’t Harry,” he whispers. “It might make you think its helps, but it doesn’t. This isn’t okay, baby, it’s so far from okay.” Louis breaks down into more sobbing and just holds Harry because he doesn’t know what else to do. What else can he do? He’s never had to deal with something like this before, he’s never had to deal with the fact that the person he loves is being hurt and he can’t change that.

No. He can change that.

“Do you have the…whatever you’re using, did you bring it?” Louis has to force the words out and he hates them. He hates it even more that when Harry says now, he can’t trust him. “Harry, please don’t lie to me.”

That seems to get to the him. Harry closes his eyes and nods. “There are two razors in the bottom my bag.” He says truthfully.

Louis pulls away and walks back into the room. Harry can hear him unzipping the bag and looking through it. Louis curses under his breath when the finds the razors. He looks them over, almost surprised at how small they are, before stuffing them deep into his own bag. Feeling exhausted, Louis walks over to the bed and sits down, dropping his head in his hands.

“L-Lou?” He looks up and cringes when he sees Harry standing in front of him, cheeks stained with tears, trying to cover his wrists with his hands. “Louis, I’m sorry.”

“Oh Harry. C’mere.” Harry walks over and drops into Louis’ arms. Louis looks down at Harry’s wrists and reaches forward, hesitantly running his fingers over the scars. “Are these it?” He prays for a nod but doesn’t get it.

“My thighs.” Harry whispers. “You can leave, I don’t expect you to want to stay.” Harry says, wanting to let Louis know it’s okay, that he understands, because he does. Who in their right mind would want to stay with Harry now?

Louis looks down at Harry in confusion. “Why would I leave? Harry, I love you I want to help you get better. I’m not leaving.”

Harry shakes his head and grabs at his stomach, scratching at the nearest scars. “It’s disgusting, I’m so fucking worthless. Fucking gross.” He growls to himself under his breath. Louis gasps when he hears this and grabs Harry’s hands, shaking his head.

“No you aren’t. Harry, stop you’re beautiful.”

Harry snorts. “Right, beautiful. You can’t honestly think that Louis.” He doesn’t understand why Louis hasn’t left yet. Maybe he’s putting it off until the end of the week, or maybe he’s waiting for Harry to leave first. Louis did pay for the room after all, he should get to enjoy his little vacation without Harry’s problems and emotional baggage. Louis on the other hand is stunned. Sure, he knew Harry doesn’t exactly have the highest self esteem, but he never realized it’s this bad.

“I’m gonna order room service,” Louis blurts out. Harry looks up, eyebrows pulling together in confusion. Louis tilts Harry’s chin up and kisses him. “You are so beautiful Harry. I want to make you feel beautiful today, is that alright?” Harry bites at his lip and nods. Louis kisses him again and then kisses his forehead, before reaching for the phone. He orders too much because he’s stressed out and he’s worried and he wants to see Harry eat. A myriad of other problems Harry could possibly have are beating away at his brain and he just needs to take care of Harry right now.

When the food arrives Harry doesn’t protest, which feels like a weight lifting off Louis’ chest. They eat while Harry flips through the hundreds of channels, eventually settling on Friends reruns that he doesn’t even laugh at, just stares at stoically. They eat in silence, Louis sneaking looks at Harry every so often and Harry shifting uncomfortably whenever he does. It feels like starting all over again, back when Harry was just some kid who would come in after school for homework and a donut.

“Do you want to take a bath with me?”

Harry looks over at Louis in surprise. “Like, together?” Louis nods. Harry thinks about it for a second before nodding back hesitantly. “I guess, yeah.”

Louis leans over and kisses his mouth which tastes like the strawberries he’s been nibbling on. “Good.” To his delight, Harry smiles softly back at him.

His smile fades quickly when he realizes he’s going to be naked in front of Louis. Naked isn’t so much the problem really, it’s the scars. Louis’ going to see all of it and Harry won’t have anywhere to hide. When Louis leads him into the bathroom he starts pulling at his shirt uncomfortably. Louis sees this and stops him, tugging the shirt off and kissing him.

“So stunning, baby.” he whispers against Harry’s skin. Louis decides if he’s going to prove to Harry that he’s beautiful, he’s really going to prove it to him.

Harry gasps when Louis sinks down, leaving soft kisses and sucking love bites in a trail from his collarbones all the way down to where his pants are. Louis looks up for permission and Harry nods. Louis tugs Harry’s pants and boxers down just enough to see the scars. They aren’t so neat here, more angry than the ones on his wrists. Louis gently runs his fingers over the skin, before kissing it. “What are they for?”

“For every name the people at school call me, for being what I am, for…for you. For not being good enough for you.”

Louis shakes his head and moves to the other hip, kissing the skin there as well. “You are perfect for me Harry, understand?” He looks up and their eyes meet. Harry’s are glassy and wide and Louis’ are sure and full of love. “Absolutely perfect for me.” He waits until Harry nods before slipping Harry’s pants off.

“Louis are you-.” Harry cuts off into an absolutely sinful groan when Louis leans forward and kisses over the cotton of his boxers, just a gentle touch that sends Harry reeling backwards. He grabs onto the counter of the sink and moans again when Louis mouths Harry’s cock over his boxers, his nimble fingers playing with the waistband.

“This alright Hazza?”

“Mhm.”

Louis smiles at how far gone Harry is already. He tugs Harry’s boxers all the way down, more of the scars coming into view. “So beautiful Harry,” Louis whispers. “So fucking perfect.” He leans forward and kisses the head of Harry’s cock gently, moving into little kitten licks, before taking his length all the way down. Harry moans and Louis is certain he’s never heard anything so beautiful. Louis hollows his cheeks and moves to the tune of Harry’s moaning little cries. When he knows Harry’s close, Louis pulls off and looks up. The younger boy has his head thrown back, his chest heaving, his whole body flushed red. When he notices Louis’ stopped he looks down and Louis smiles at his lust blown eyes

“Gonna come for me Hazza?” Louis whispers, voice scratchy. “Come for me baby, so beautiful.” He takes Harry’s cock once more, his lips slick with spit and precome and Harry can’t take it anymore. He drops a hand into Louis’ hair and tugs it before he comes, letting out a small cry when Louis swallows every drop. Louis eventually pulls away, trailing kisses around Harry’s thighs, paying special attention to the cuts.

“Such a pretty boy, aren’t you.” Louis murmurs, running his hands over Harry’s stomach. “Wanna take a bath baby?”

“Y-Yeah,” Harry breathes out. Louis grins and stands back up. “You have all your clothes on.”

Louis laughs and kisses Harry’s lips gently. “Very true. Start the water?” Harry nods and walks over to the bathtub, pouring in bubble bath from around the edge of the tub. Louis strips down and wraps his arms around Harry’s waist.

Harry looks back and sighs. Louis is so beautiful, more beautiful than Harry deserves, especially now when he’s grinning at Harry like that, standing on his tip-toes. Harry finally smiles back and the two of them sink into the massive tub, Harry between Louis’ legs with his head resting on his boyfriend’s chest.

“Thank you, Lou.” Harry says, closing his eyes and listening to the sound of Louis’ heartbeat.

Louis smiles, threading his fingers through Harry’s curls. “No need to thank me baby.”

“Would you sing to me?”

Louis wraps and arm around Harry’s shoulder and nods. “What do you want me to sing?” Harry shrugs and Louis just chuckles. His fingers tap a beat over Harry’s spine and he sings Green Eyes for him, because he hasn’t in awhile and it makes Harry happy. He’s about halfway through when he hears a voice accompanying him. It’s much deeper than his own, rockier, and just so very  _Harry_ sounding.

“Christ, you looking to replace me?” Louis laughs. “Don’t let Josh or Zayn hear you, they’d probably consider it.”

Harry blushes and shakes his head. “I’m not that good.”

“Hey.” Louis frowns. “You have a beautiful voice Harry, really. It’s a shame you don’t sing more often.” Harry says nothing, just nuzzles closer against Louis’ chest. Louis sings for him again, just a lullaby this time, something he used to sing to the girls when they had bad dreams.

“I should have noticed.” Harry, who’s on the brink of falling asleep again, looks up in confusion. Louis sighs. “I should have noticed you were…doing that to yourself. You wear jumpers in the summer, and all those damn bracelets. I just feel so stupid, how could I have not noticed?”

Harry sighs. “I’ve been doing it for two years. I’m really good at hiding it, even better at lying.”

Louis freezes. “Two years?”

“Going on three,” Harry whispers. “So please don’t blame yourself. Mum never noticed, neither did Liam or Niall. I don’t think anyone would have noticed unless I…”

“Unless you what, Harry?” Louis asks, terrified of the answer.

Harry squeezes his eyes shut and shakes his head. “Sometimes it just seems like my only option, you know? Something I’m doing must be so wrong that everyone hates me for it, and I hate myself for it too. It would just be better if I…if I weren’t here anymore.” Louis heart stops.

“No,” he says, firmly. “No, I won’t let you. Harry you can’t do that to me, you can’t do that to your family. I won’t let you do that to yourself Hazza, never.”

Harry wraps his arms around Louis’ neck. “I wouldn’t, I don’t think,” He murmurs against Louis’ skin. “I’m such a coward, I could never go through with it. I wish I could though. I really, really do sometimes.”

Louis sits up, the water sloshing around them. He reaches down and takes Harry’s face in his hands, waiting until he opens his eyes to talk. “I’ll help you, I promise Harry. I won’t ever give up on you. You’re going to be alright.” Harry bites at his lip, and nods, resting his forehead against Louis’ and wondering how on earth he got this lucky.

They finish their bath and Louis wraps Harry up in a fluffy hotel bathrobe, even putting his curls up in a towel like he’s seen his sisters and his mum do, which makes Harry giggle. Harry’s still soft and sleepy from his bath and the blow job, so he ends up laying out on the bed while Louis opens all the doors and windows to let the light in and air out the steam from the tub. When he returns to the bed he finds Harry curled up, playing with his own fingers.

“How’s my little Hazza?” Louis laughs. Harry shrugs and smiles. “Let’s stay in tonight.”

Harry agrees of course. Louis gets back in bed beside him and takes one of Harry’s hands in his own. Waiting to be pushed away or refused, he slowly pulls the sleeve of Harry’s bathrobe up. “Do you know which ones are which?” He asks, his thumb pressing across the scars as if he could erase them or push them away.

Harry reaches over and starts to point to the newer cuts, the reddest ones. “Faggot, worthless, made Mum cry, worried you, this one because…I was nervous about this weekend.” He stops when Louis starts kissing the scars after each word. “Lou.”

“Hmm?” Louis looks up, tears in his eyes.

Harry sniffles. “I’m sorry. I just don’t want you to be disappointed,” His voice breaks and he shakes his head, refusing to start crying again. “I want you to be proud of me. I want to be someone you can be proud of and that…that you can love and I-” Harry stops and covers his mouth, trying to keep the sobbing in. But he can’t. Louis reaches for him and Harry complies, wrapping his arms around Louis’ waist, seeking comfort that he knows he’ll find. “If I do it then maybe I can learn to be better for you.”

Louis pulls back and rests his forehead on Harry’s, brushing at his cheeks and shushing him softly. “Baby no, I am proud of you. I am so proud of you. If I could carry you around with me all day I would, just so everyone knows you’re mine. I love you, you don’t have to change for me, I don’t want you to. I want you to stay my Harry forever.”

Harry shakes his head, wiping at his face harshly. “I’m sorry for ruining this week.”

“You didn’t ruin anything, I promise. We can go out tomorrow night, right? And we still have the rest of the week. Nothing is ruined, just let me take care of you.”

Harry nods and closes his eyes. “I’m all cried out, can I take a nap?” He whispers.

Louis kisses the top of his curls. “Of course you can baby. Do you want a cuppa?” Harry shakes his head and scoots over to his side of the bed, disappearing completely under the heavy blankets. Louis reaches over and brushes his hand through Harry’s hair, tugging softly when he reaches the ends of the curls. Harry falls asleep in minutes, exhaustion combined with Louis massaging his scalp, one arm reaching up to hold onto Louis’ wrist.

When he’s sure his boyfriend is sleeping, Louis reaches for his phone. Zayn picks up after a few rings, grumbling his hello. “Zayn, wake up I need your help.”

“I swear if you’re calling for sex tips.” Zayn sighs.

“I’m not, this is serious. Are you listening?” Zayn makes a noise meaning yes and Louis sighs. “Harry’s hurting himself.”

There’s silence on the other end for a moment as Zayn processes the information. He can hear shuffling in the background, blankets shushing against each other. “Like…cutting, hurting?” He says, finally.

“Yeah, his arms and his thighs and…Zayn it’s bad. It’s really bad.” Louis whispers, eyes flitting over to the sleeping boy. “I don’t know what to do.” There’s raw fear in his voice and it scares him as well.

“Where is he right now?” Zayn asks.

“Sleeping next to me.” Louis whispers, brushing Harry’s cheek with his thumb. “He told me he wants to die. I don’t understand, I don’t get why he’d ever want to do this to himself.”

Zayn sighs. “I’m so sorry Lou, really, but babe you probably won’t ever understand. It’s just the way he thinks about himself. It doesn’t make sense to you because he sees himself differently than everyone else does.”

Louis wants nothing more than to wrap Harry up in his arms and tell him he’s so much better than he gives himself credit for. For now, he just slides lower down the headboard and tugs the sleeping boy closer. “He thinks he isn’t good enough for me.”

“He’s too good for you.”

Louis rolls his eyes. “Shutup, this is isn’t the time for joking.”

Zayn chuckles a bit anyway, because that’s just Zayn and he never takes anything seriously. “I know, sorry,” he says, coming back to his serious tone. “You need to just be there for him Louis, it’s all you can do. Let him see he can talk to you without feeling judged and make sure to take away whatever he’s using. I know I said it already, but I am so sorry babe.”

“Lou, with the talking.” Harry mumbles in his sleep, waving his hand around blindly.

Louis chuckles and kisses him softly on the forehead. “Sorry baby love. Go back to sleep, I’ll be quieter.”

“You’re fucking loud.” Harry sighs, and then he’s silent. Louis tries to hold his laughter in, but Zayn doesn’t.

“Oh, he’s a keeper Lou.”

Harry sleeps for a few more hours and when he wakes up, crawls into Louis’ lap and tells him everything. He tells him about coming out at school, about how Tom started the teasing, and how he saw a broken razor in his bathroom one night and just knew. He tells Louis about losing all of his friends except for Liam and Niall, drawing into himself and becoming the complete opposite of the person he used to be. He cries as he talks about wanting to die, about considering it for so long, about his plan to do it after he brought Louis his jacket back.

Louis’s just there and Harry loves it. He holds Harry and listens and doesn’t judge, or stop him, or even cry much. Afterward he lays Harry out on the bed and kisses every cut, one by one, trying to understand why.

For the rest of the week Louis tries to make Harry believe he’s worth it. They spend their days running around on the beach, their evenings trying out almost every restaurant they can find, and their nights together whispering about life or just holding one another. Harry feels an immense sense of relief when he gets all of it off his chest, like he isn’t being weighed down by his secrets anymore. He has no intentions of telling anyone else, though Louis has said Zayn now knows, but that’s different. Zayn is just a friend, he isn’t close like Liam or Niall who would surely blame themselves for everything.

It’s getting colder out as September sweeps in and Harry heads back to school. He can leave for lunch now, something he’s quite excited about because he often ends up getting Liam and Niall to drive him to the coffee shop where he can laze around on the couches and watch Louis bustle around with the customers. Harry hasn’t cut in three weeks, since they came back from their vacation he’s been calling Louis every time he feels the need to and Louis talks him through it, but now his wrists are practically begging for it. He just needs a catalyst.

And he gets one.

Harry’s sitting crosslegged on the window seat that was put in recently, which he knows Louis practically begged his boss for just for him, when he hears Louis laughing. It isn’t unusual of course, Louis’s always happy and making small talk with his customers, it’s part of the reason they have so many regulars. Harry’s never seen this guy before though. He’s very tall, taller than Harry, and much older too probably in his twenties. He’s handsome as well which already has Harry on edge.

The man leans closer and says something that makes Louis giggle again. “You’re terrible!” Louis shouts in a teasing tone. “Get out of here.”

Harry pulls one of his earbuds out discreetly to listen in and immediately freezes when he hears; “Do you think I could get your number?”

Louis blinks at the other man, surprised. “I uhm…I actually have a boyfriend.” He says, his eyes flickering over to Harry. The man looks as well and laughs again, and Harry feels goosebumps rising all along his arms. He would kill for any sort of blade right about now.

“Right, well when you’re ready for an actual man and not a little boy, you’ll call me yeah?” Both Harry and Louis watch as the man grabs a menu and writes something down on it, his phone number.

Louis frowns and shakes his head. “I wouldn’t count on it.” He says coolly. With one last amused glance back over at Harry, the man grabs his coffee from the counter and leaves. Louis grabs the menu and tosses it in the trash, not looking back.

Harry bites on the tip of his pen and returns to his English essay. Well, he tries at least. It’s hard to get anything done when he’s thinking of Louis and someone else. Louis with that man, who was way more attractive than Harry, and older than Harry, and just all around better than Harry. Louis could have practically any man he wants and yet he’s stuck with Harry for some reason.

“Hazza, hows it going?”

Harry looks up and sees Louis cleaning trash off the tables. “S’alright, I’m almost done with the outline.” He says easily, ignoring the rapid beating of his heart. Louis smiles and walks over to give Harry a quick kiss.

“Love you babe.” He whispers against Harry’s skin, brushing the boy’s curls back.

Harry lets his eyes fall shut and he sighs. “Love you too.”

Louis frowns at Harry’s tone but doesn’t question it. Instead he places another soft kiss on Harry’s forehead and goes back to cleaning up. Harry returns to his work but only ends up doodling on the margins of the paper, head too busy of how to get everything he needs. His mother is away for the night meaning he’s staying with Louis, so he won’t be home to find a razor or something, and Louis took all the blades he had. He makes his plan while Louis locks up the coffee shop, pulling at his jumper nervously. Harry knows this is wrong, he knows he should just talk to Louis about it, but he can’t bring himself to do it.

As soon as they enter Louis’ flat, Harry makes a beeline for the bathroom with the excuse of taking a shower while Louis orders a pizza. He turns the water on and starts rummaging through the medicine cabinet until he finds a disposable razor. He pops out the blades and lays them out on the counter. They aren’t particularly sharp but they should do. Not wanting to make a mess or leave anything behind, Harry climbs into the shower.

He does it on his thighs this time because Louis will be less likely to notice there. Mutual blow jobs are about as far as they’ve gotten together and it doesn’t happen often enough for Harry to be worried about getting caught. The blade slices cleanly over his skin and he realizes he missed it. In a sick way, it almost feels like he’s been holding his breath this whole time and this is his sweet, fresh air.

Louis comes knocking almost a half hour later, a little worried because Harry’s usually in and out. He knocks softly on the door. “Baby, pizza’s here.”

Harry pulls his head up from where he’s just about passed out and takes a deep breath. “I’ll be right out, Lou.” He calls in what he hopes is a convincing voice. It must be because Louis leaves him be to clean himself up and slip on some pajamas. He’s still a little dizzy from the blood but it isn’t so bad. It’s a good, numbing feeling. Now he doesn’t have to worry about Louis leaving him, he has the pain to focus on.

Zayn, Josh, Louis, and Harry all settle on the sofa to watch a football game, devouring both pizzas between the four of them. Louis keeps his arm over Harry’s shoulders, sometimes stopping to thread through his curls or to kiss him. Harry always leans into the touch, purring like a cat which makes the other two boys laugh and Louis smile fondly. He doesn’t anything is amiss with Harry until they stand up to go to bed after Zayn and Josh have left to have a drink, and Harry cries out in pain.

Louis looks over, shocked as Harry hisses at the pain. “Sweetheart, what is it?”

Harry’s eyes flicker up to his, wide and panicked. “Nothing,” he says. and Louis can tell he’s lying. “Stubbed my toe on the table.”

Louis frowns.“Are you sure?”

Harry rolls his eyes. “Yes Louis, I’m sure.” He snaps.

“I’m just asking-”

“Right, of course,” Harry mutters under his breath. “Just like that guy was  _just asking_  for your number earlier?”

Louis’ eyes go wide in shock. “What?” He’s honestly confused now as to what he could have done to make Harry go off like this. He was fine all night, or at least he seemed fine. “Babe, I didn’t even take it.”

“Maybe you should have.” Harry turns on his heel and starts to leave but Louis reaches out to grab him. He squeezes a hand onto Harry’s hip and the boy yelps in pain, jumping away from the hand. Harry looks up at Louis, honest fear in his eyes, his breathing speeding up. He looks like a caged animal “L-Louis it’s nothing. I’m sorry. I’m just grumpy, come to bed.”

Louis bites at his lip and shakes his head. “Harry, let me see your legs.”

Harry backs away, shaking his head right back. “There isn’t anything there Louis, I promise I-”

“Harry. Show. Me.”

“No.”

“Harry-”

“What do you want?” Harry shouts. “You want to see if I cut myself, right? Well guess what I did, Louis, I fucking did! Is that better? Are you happy now?”

Louis’ breath catches in his throat. “No, I’m not happy.”

Harry laughs but his eyes show no humor, in fact they’re filling with tears. “Perfect, fucking perfect. You know what, I should just go. I’m only making things worse, aren’t I? Don’t worry about me Louis, okay, because I’m just fucking fine. You can go call whats-his-face now, you won’t have to worry about my every move anymore, you won’t have to wonder what I’m doing in the bathroom when I’m there too long. Better for both of us, yeah?”

Louis just stares at him. He’s completely wrecked, a blubbering mess, crying and tugging at his curls, digging his fingernails into the skin of his wrist. When Louis doesn’t say anything, Harry drops his head down and sinks back down onto the couch. He just wants to be done with this, with everything. He’s teetering on the brink of ending his life right now and all he’s done about it was yell and scream and Louis, the last person on earth who could ever deserve it.

Harry really doesn’t expect Louis to come over to him and wrap his arms around the boy’s shaking form. In fact, he expected Louis to just ignore him completely and wait for him to leave. He especially doesn’t expect Louis to start rocking them and start whispering in his ear. “Shh, shh, it’s alright Harry. Just breathe, love. I’m right here, I’m not going to leave I promise.”

“I’m sorry Lou,” Harry cries eventually. “I didn’t mean it.”

Louis kisses the shell of Harry’s ear and nods. “I know baby, I know. It’s okay.”

“I don’t deserve you Louis, I really don’t.” Harry whispers. “I love you so much.”

Louis wants to scream, ask Harry how in the world he could ever think that way, but he doesn’t. He just wraps his arms tighter and sighs. “I love you too. Never, ever forget that alright? Never think that you aren’t good enough, you are so much more than good enough. That asshole has absolutely nothing on my Hazza.” To his delight Harry chuckles a little though his tears. “Where did the razors come from?”

“Medicine cabinet.” Harry whispers guiltily. Louis nods and makes a mental note to hide the razors from now on. “M’sorry Louis.”

“It’s alright Harry.” He whispers back. “C’mon, I’ll tuck you in and everything. We need to have a talk tomorrow, though, okay?” Harry panics for a moment but Louis hushes him, shaking his head. “Nothing like that, baby, just a talk. Don’t worry about it now.”

Harry follows Louis into the bedroom carefully, his cuts aching from the friction against his pants. He takes them off along with his shirt and climbs into bed in just his black boxers. Louis can see the angry new cuts bright against his skin and Louis could cry. But he doesn’t, he climbs into bed and grabs onto Harry, worried the boy might get up and leave, or hurt himself again if Louis doesn’t hold on tight enough.

“My beautiful boy.” Louis whispers into Harry’s ear and Harry shivers, half from the sensation and half from the words themselves. “Aren’t you?”

“Mhm.” Harry breathes, wishing he could believe it.

Louis leans down and kisses the column of Harry’s neck. “I love you always, Harry.”

The two boys fall asleep tangled in each other and wake up the same way, Harry first. He looks down at Louis beside him and pinches himself because this can’t be real, Louis is too impossibly beautiful. He still doesn’t understand why Louis would choose to be with him. He sighs and reaches forward to wrap his arms around Louis’ neck and kiss under his chin a few times. His slight stubble scratches at Harry’s lips making him smile. He sometimes forgets that Louis’ older, since he tends to act like a child most of the time, but you can see it even more when he’s sleeping, before he’s shaved and when his face smooths out, laugh lines and all.

“Mm, baby can’t sleep if you watch me,” Louis sighs out, not opening his eyes. “Performance anxiety.”

Harry smiles and drops back down onto the pillows. He reaches over and starts palming at Louis’ boxer briefs, chuckling darkly when Louis takes a sharp breath in. “Performance anxiety, huh?”

“Hazza no,” Louis pulls back and finally opens his eyes. He shakes his hand and grabs Harry’s hand, intertwining their fingers. “Not today, alright?” Harry pouts and Louis rolls his eyes. “None of that, we need to talk, remember?”

Harry pales and nods, sinking back own into the bed until the comforter is pulled up around his neck. He waits patiently for the words, “It’s not you it’s me” to come out of Louis’ mouth. Maybe he’ll say it is Harry though, because they both know it is. Harry scolds himself for ever believing this could work out at all, let alone with Louis knowing about the cutting.

“Don’t freak out, but I think you should tell your mum and the boys.” Well. Harry hadn’t expected that.

“No.” Harry doesn’t even think about the answer it just flies out. It startles both of them a little bit. Harry has never been so cold with Louis before.

“Harry, I thought it wasn’t my secret to tell because I stupidly thought you could stop, but you can’t. It’s an addiction Harry, you’re hurting yourself and you need to get help,” Louis says slowly, trying to make Harry understand. “I’m not going to let you keep doing this to yourself. So, even if you say no I’m still telling them without you. Please, please don’t make me do that.”

Harry sits straight up and starts shaking his head. “No, you can’t. Louis, no.”

Louis sits up as well and reaches for Harry but Harry pulls back. “Harry, please-”

“No, you said you loved me,” Harry cries. “Y-You wouldn’t do this to me if you really loved me Louis. I can stop, I promise, I just need time.” Every fear he has ever had is being realized, he doesn’t know what to do. Louis doesn’t love him, and now Louis’s going to tell his mother and his friends and he’s going to ruin Harry’s life.

“Harry, sweetheart, you know none of that’s true,” Louis says softly, his eyebrows pulling together. “I do love you. I love you more than anything and I care about what happens to you, that’s why I have to do this.”

Harry shakes his head and stands up. “No you don’t. You were lying the whole time it was all a lie!” Harry grabs his clothes from the floor and pulls them on, his entire body shaking by now. “If you loved me you wouldn’t want to do this to me.”

Louis stands up but Harry is already running out of the room. Panicking, Louis jumps out of bed, tripping over his own feet as he goes. He shouts for Harry but the boy doesn’t look back, he just keeps running, out the door, through the building, and out onto the sidewalk. Eventually he can’t hear Louis calling for him anymore and pulls his cell phone out to call the boys. Niall answers his phone and is in the car before Harry can even explain why he’s crying and needing to be picked up.

Niall finds Harry at a park near Louis’ flat. It’s the park where they spent many days of their summer together, where they probably won’t ever spend another day together again, Harry thinks. Harry’s sitting on a bench, tears streaming down his face and cell phone in hand, watching text message after text message and call after call come in from Louis who’s looking for him now as well. When he sees Niall coming he practically launches himself into the shorter boy’s arms and starts crying into his shoulder.

“Harry, what’s wrong? What happened?” Niall whispers, hands traveling over Harry’s body, checking to see if he’s hurt.

Harry shakes his head and cries into Niall’s shoulder. “It’s Louis he…he doesn’t love me Niall, he doesn’t.”

Niall sighs out, feeling a bit relieved, and brushes his fingers through Harry’s curls. “Babe, you know he does. I’ve never seen any two people so gone for each other before.”

“He doesn’t.” Harry moans. Niall finally just nods and leads Harry back to the car, going so far as to buckle Harry in before shutting the door behind him. Harry curls his knees up to his chest and looks down at the messages that keep coming. They’re all the same lies,  _I love you_ or  _Baby, please I never wanted to hurt you_. Harry closes them all out one by one as Niall drives, one eye on Harry and his phone.

“Did you run out on him?” Harry nods. Niall turns up his driveway and reaches for his own phone. He quickly taps out a  _Hey Lou, it’s Niall. I have Harry but I’m turning his phone off, alright? Text me if it’s urgent._  He reaches over and turns Harry’s phone off directly after and Harry doesn’t protest. He soon feels his own phone buzz with a text saying  _Please don’t let him be alone and just tell him I love him Ni xx_ from Louis.

Harry follows Niall into his house, heading straight for the steps to collapse on Niall’s bed. He isn’t surprised when Niall comes in a few minutes later with food, because when Niall’s sad he eats and to him that means when everyone else is sad, they eat. Harry takes one look at Niall, holding two bowls of pot noodles in his hands like a peace offering, and starts crying all over again.

“Niall, I love you.”

Niall rolls his eyes and climbs into bed next to Harry who’s rolled himself up in the comforter like a burrito. “No need to get so emotional mate, took me like five minutes to make it.” Harry punches him softly on the arm but takes the bowl, even though it’s far too early in the morning for pot noodles. “Louis said to tell you he loves you. I don’t know why you’re fighting, but I’m just letting you know now that I don’t like it.”

Harry frowns and shakes his head. “It isn’t really your choice, Ni.”

“Yeah well, I like him and I like you, and I like you and him together like,” Niall stops to intertwine his fingers, tugging a bit as if to demonstrate their relationship. “So if ya breakup, I might become an emotional mess too, just think of me like your child in a divorce. Our only hope will be Liam…Liam, who once tried to buy me a new dog when we were ten because mine died. I’m a bit worried he might show up with a prostitute once he finds it out.” Harry laughs and counts himself incredibly lucky to have Niall around to make him laugh even when he’s like this.

“We aren’t breaking up…I think.” Harry looks down at his bowl of noodles and tries not to think of what might happen if they do break up. For the past few months Louis has been what keeps Harry going, and deep down he knows Louis loves him, but he can’t tell Niall or Liam or god forbid his mother. What’s going to happen if Harry can’t just call Louis and talk if he needs to?

“Better not, ‘cause it’s gonna be incredibly awkward for you when I start hanging out with him by meself.” Niall mutters under his breath. Harry smiles and gives Niall a short sideways hug, and Niall hugs back. Niall always gives the best hugs.

Liam shows up to their small pity party after he comes back from the gym. Harry teases him about working out even in the fall and Liam just hugs him tight, letting him change the subject if he wants to. They spend the day on Niall’s bed, playing FIFA and eating enough junk food to have Liam start lamenting about how he shouldn’t have even gone to the gym today. Niall’s mother comes home to a mess in the kitchen and quickly excuses herself to go out to dinner with Niall’s father, not wanting to deal with it. Harry and Liam apologize profusely and promise to clean up, while Niall just cackles like a madman. It’s a good enough day for Harry, considering, but it’s the exact opposite for Louis.

After driving around until he got the text from Niall, Louis headed back to his house and tried to calm himself down. He couldn’t, of course, because Harry is angry with him and hurting himself and Louis can’t deal with it by himself anymore. So after lunch spent crying to Zayn, Louis makes possibly the biggest decision of his life so far and drives to Harry’s house.

Harry’s mum answers the door with a grin as soon as she sees Louis. “Hello, love. I’m afraid Harry’s over at Niall’s right now.”

Louis gulps audibly and nods, trying to speak past his dry throat. “I know I…Anne I really need to talk to you. About Harry.”

Holding his boyfriend’s mother while she sobbed was very, very high on the list of things Louis never wanted to do. He keeps apologizing because he doesn’t know what else to say. He didn’t want her to have to find out this way, especially not from him, and he didn’t want her to blame herself for it like she is now. She keeps asking Louis why, and Louis doesn’t have an answer. He doesn’t know why either, he wishes he could understand but he can’t.

“We have to get him help, even if he hates me Anne, I can’t let him do this.” Louis croaks out when they both finally separate.

Anne pulls back and wipes at her eyes, cleaning the makeup thats running down her cheeks. She reaches for Louis’ hand and squeezes. “He doesn’t hate you, Louis. We’ll help him I promise.”

Harry probably should have noticed something was wrong as soon as Niall got a text message that had him frowning and whispering to Liam, but he didn’t. He definitely should have noticed something was wrong when the two of them both insisted on following him up to his house, but he didn’t. Harry didn’t notice anything was the least bit wrong until he walked into his house and saw his mother and Louis sitting in the living room.

Harry looks them over in surprise. It hits him like a truck and Harry isn’t sure if he’s even breathing now. “You…Louis you didn’t.”

Louis closes his eyes and sighs, before opening them again with fresh new tears. “Baby I’m really sorry.”

Harry tries to back up but ends up bumping right into Liam. He starts shaking his head frantically. “Mum, it’s not true it isn’t. I promise, Louis’s just mad at me-”

“Harry honey, we both know Louis wouldn’t lie about something like this,” Anne says, softly. Her eyes are wet with tears as well, and Harry hates himself for it. “Especially not to me.”

“It’s not true.” Harry says, helplessly trying to change this.

Louis looks up, their eyes meeting across the room. “Take off your jumper, then.” Harry freezes and Louis nods. “Go on, Harry.”

“N-No, I don’t have to-”

“Harry what are they talking about?” Niall whispers. Harry turns and he can see the pieces slowly coming together in Niall’s mind. “You aren’t…Harry you wouldn’t…” The boy trails off when Harry refuses to meet his eyes.

Harry whirls back around and takes a step towards Louis. “Get out,” he growls, and it startles everyone including himself. “Get out of my house Louis. I hate you and I never want to see your face again. Get out!” He screams the last bit, before dissolving into tears. “I hate you Louis Tomlinson, I fucking hate you!”

For a moment no one moves, unsure if Harry’s serious or not. Finally, Louis stands up slowly, and nods. He walks over and cringes when Harry freezes up, like Louis’s going to hit him or something. He just kisses Harry’s forehead softly, and nods again. “You know where to find me, babe.”

Harry watches in disbelief as Louis does exactly what Harry asked of him. He leaves, stopping only to give Liam’s hand a quick squeeze at the door and an apologetic and watery smile. Of course that’s what Harry thought he wanted, he is angry with Louis, furious in fact, but watching him leave makes Harry want to start crying all over again. And he does, especially when he turns to see his mother with her fist up to her mouth to stop the sobs.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers. “Mum, I’m so sorry.” Anne stands up and reaches for Harry and he collapses in her arms, telling her and the boys, who are crying now as well, how sorry he is. He doesn’t think it’ll ever be enough.

Anne wastes absolutely no time getting Harry help. By that Wednesday, Harry finds himself in the office of a psychiatrist named Kate who’s far too sweet and understanding for his tastes, but it feels like it could help. He tells her about Tom, about his friends and his mother, and especially about Louis. He finds himself talking a lot about Louis, most of the conversation descending into “Well, Louis said” or “One time Louis” or “You should have seen Louis” which Kate just bares with a smile.

“You really like this Louis, don’t you?” She asks, after Harry tells her the story of their vacation, including how Louis found out.

Harry pauses, and nods. “Yeah, I love him a lot. I don’t think he likes me so much, though.”

Kate frowns. “And why would you say that?”

Harry sighs and leans his chin on his hand. “He told my mum and I freaked out. I told him I hated him, kicked him out, and he hasn’t so much as texted me since then. I’ve always been expecting it, I mean I’m really not even worth his time but…it still hurts.”

Kate hums under her breath and writes something down in her notebook marked Styles, before looking back up. She has glasses and blue eyes too, though hers are a much paler color, but it still makes Harry wince a bit when he notices. “Harry, you need to stop thinking of yourself that way. If Louis didn’t think you were worth his time, why do you think he would be with you?” Harry thinks for a moment and shrugs, because he honestly doesn’t have an answer. Kate smiles softly, nodding. “Have you tried talking to him? He probably thinks you’re still angry with him, that could be why he hasn’t called.”

“I’m not mad at him though,” Harry says softly. “I mean, I was-I was really mad, but I’m not anymore. I get why he told her.”

“Louis did the right thing, Harry,” Kate says. “And it’s very, very hard to do that sometimes, especially if you know it’s going to possibly hurt the one you love. What he did was very brave.”

Harry just looks down at his shoes, kicking them together. He overreacted, he knows that now. Maybe Louis is angry, though. What if Harry tries to call him and he hangs up? What if he tells Harry that he hates him? Harry would really,  _really_  love to cut right now, he thinks as he scuffs the ground.

Kate watches him and writes something else down, though Harry really isn’t sure what she could possibly have left to say about him. “That’s all our time for today, Harry. I’ll see you next week.” Harry nods and thanks her, before leaving. It isn’t too far a walk from Harry’s doctors office to the coffee shop, he notices. Harry stops and thinks to himself, mulling it over and over in his mind, before deciding.

At the coffee shop, Louis’s sitting on a stool he’s pulled up behind the counter talking to Zayn and Josh across from it. They’re all eating something from the dessert case, Louis picking mournfully at a muffin while the other two try to cheer him up

“We could go for drinks?” Josh tries.

Louis shakes his head. “Harry doesn’t like when I drink, he says I get too loud.” He mutters solemnly.

Zayn groans and sinks across the desert case, throwing his arms around it dramatically. “We could go for burgers, but no Harry likes tacos. We could watch a movie, but no Harry never liked this movie. We could practice a song, but no because this wasn’t Harry’s favorite song. It’s been five days, Louis, call him!”

Louis sighs. He’s been moping around ever since he came home on Saturday, replaying Harry’s words over and over again. _I hate you Louis Tomlinson, I fucking hate you!_ Sure he’s heard them before, from ex-boyfriends, his sisters, and of course Zayn and Josh, but they’d never said it like that with that such menace. They never meant it like Harry did, Louis hasn’t ever hurt someone like that before.

“You didn’t hear him Zayn, he really hates me.”

Josh rolls his eyes. “Harry could never hate you, Louis. Honestly, you’re acting like a thirteen year old girl.” Louis rolls his eyes and picks one of the crumbles off his muffin to toss at Josh’s face.

The bell of the door jingles and Louis pulls himself up to serve another customer. When he looks up, though, his breath catches because it isn’t another customer, it’s Harry.

“Thank god!” Zayn yells. He and Josh both ambush Harry, tackling him with hugs, kisses, and horrible attempts at fake crying. “He’s unbearable Harry, absolutely unbearable.”

“He won’t even drink!” Josh cries, wrapping his arms around Harry’s neck and tugging. “It’s a tragedy, save us Hazza.”

To Harry’s credit, he just laughs at them and hugs back, before asking them politely if he can have some time alone with Louis. The boys comply immediately of course, because they’re both admittedly tired of dealing with Louis right now.

The shop goes quiet, the only sound coming from the soft music Louis has playing over the speakers. Harry shifts awkwardly around on his feet until Louis stands up, taking the long way around the counter and not jumping over it like he used to when Harry surprised him at work. Even little changes like that get to Harry, cutting down whatever courage he had built up on the way over.

“How are you Harry?” Louis asks. Louis very rarely calls Harry by his full name, preferring one of the many pet names he’s created. That hurts.

Harry shrugs and looks down. “I wanted to come and thank you,” he mumbles almost inaudibly. “Mum made me go talk to someone and…she isn’t mad and neither are the boys, they’re being really good about it actually.” Liam and Niall had reacted first with shock, and then anger at both themselves and everyone at school, and finally understanding. They stick closer to Harry than normal though, not that Harry really minds so much.

“That’s great Harry, I’m really happy for you.” Louis says, and he genuinely is. Harry’s getting help and even if he hates Louis, Louis is still happy about that.

Harry nods, and finally looks up. His green eyes are glassy and Louis wants to run forward, pull the boy in his arms, and cry too. “I came to apologize. I don’t hate you Louis, I really don’t. And I understand if you do now, but I just wanted you to know-”

“I could never, ever hate you baby,” Louis interrupts, unable to keep it in. “I love you.”

Harry bites at his lip and takes a few careful steps forward until Louis meets him halfway and hugs him. Harry rests his head on Louis’ shoulder, scrunching down because he’s taller, but he always feels so tiny in Louis’ arms. “Y-You left Louis. You left me, you promised you wouldn’t leave.”

Louis closes his eyes and shakes his head. “No I didn’t baby, I was right here waiting the whole time,” he whispers, running his fingers through Harry’s curls and shushing him. “Even if you push me away Harry, I’ll always be waiting for you, okay?”

“I love you Louis, I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.”

Louis sighs, unable to distinguish between happiness and sadness at this point. He’s happy that Harry is back in his arms and getting help and still loves him, but so sad that Harry could ever think Louis hated him. “It’s okay baby, I promise. I love you so much.”

After a few minutes of just holding each other and Louis reassuring Harry that he isn’t going to leave, and that he loves Harry more than anything, they finally pull back. “Do you think I could do my homework here?” Harry asks, timidly.

Louis grins and kisses him. He pulls back and ruffles Harry’s curls. “Only if you’re willing to suffer through my horrible cappuccino art.” Harry grins back and nods, and a few minutes later he’s settled back in his chair with a cappuccino bearing a lopsided heart in the foam.

The bell above the door rings a few more times but Harry pays them no attention, until he hears a familiar voice laughing and someone kicks him in the foot. “The fuck you doing here, fag?” Tom is in the coffee shop and it all seems ruined now. This was Harry’s safe place and now it’s tainted by Tom and his words.

“Go away.” Harry grits out through his teeth.

Tom laughs and goes to say something probably just as horrible, when Louis notices. He glances over and sees the boy towering over Harry in his chair and stiffens. “Excuse me?” Tom looks up and Louis gives him his best fake smile. “Can I help you?”

Recognition seems to pass over Tom’s face. “Hey, wait, you’re Louis Tomlinson! Like, One Direction right?”

Louis nods, frowning. “Yeah, I am. Who are you?”

“This is Tom.” Harry mutters. He can see Louis putting the pieces together in his mind. He then starts laughing.

“So Tom, did you come in here for coffee, an autograph, or to bully my boyfriend?” Louis asks in his sassiest tone of voice that usually makes Harry giggle like an idiot.

Tom seems taken aback, looking from Louis to Harry and back again. “Your boyfriend?”

Louis nods, sliding over the counter. “Yeah, my boyfriend. Answer the question.” Harry watches on, his face a mixture of surprise and awe because Louis fully intends to protect him in the middle of the coffee shop and get Tom back for everything he’s done.

“I…mate I really don’t want any trouble-”

“You don’t want any trouble?” Louis asks, condescendingly. “If you didn’t want any trouble you probably shouldn’t have started it with Harry. You wanna know what I’m really tired of, Tom? I’m tired of having to clean up after you. I’m tired of having to convince Harry that he’s a decent human being every fucking day, unlike you.”

“It…it was all a joke it wasn’t-”

Louis raises an eyebrow and takes a step forward. Tom takes one back, much to Harry’s surprise. “A joke? You think that’s funny?”

Tom shakes his head. “No I-”

“You’re right, it’s not fucking funny, Tom. Am I laughing? Is Harry laughing?” Tom seems too stunned to say anything. Louis starts walking again until Tom is at the door, pushing it open. “If you ever even think about putting your hands on my boyfriend again or even try talking to him, I will make sure you can’t even try to do it again. Got it?” Tom nods and Louis smiles. “Good, it was lovely to meet you.”

Tom leaves and there’s a few seconds of silence before Harry starts laughing. Louis turns and grins when he sees his boyfriend, sliding off the couch and crying from laughing so hard. Unable to hold it in, he joins him, sinking down onto the window seat and laughing until his voice is hoarse.

“D-did you see his face?” Harry cackles, trying to catch his breath. “He was so fucking scared. He honestly thought you were going to kill him.”

Louis stands up, shoulders still shaking and stomach aching. “Defending your honor is hard work Hazza, I think I need a drink.”

September turns into November, which turns into December, a month of Louis moaning and pouting because he’s not going to be a teenager anymore. Harry eventually gives up on trying to cheer him up with a multitude of things from baked goods to sexual favors, and just starts agreeing until Louis starts moaning and pouting about that as well. It isn’t really the fact that he isn’t going to be a teenage anymore, so much as the fact that he will be an actual twenty year old adult from now on, and he’s still not sure what he’s doing with his life.

Two days before his birthday and before he leaves to go visit with his family for Christmas, Harry surprises him by getting all the boys and a few of Louis’ other friends to hide in the coffee shop and surprise him with a party, complete with a cake baked by Harry himself. Louis also has a surprise though, having just gotten off the phone in the car, and through screaming and tears he shouts, “One Direction just got asked to play Leeds!” Harry shoves a piece of cake into Louis’ face to celebrate.

August sneaks up on them out of nowhere. Louis and Harry have been dating for a little over a year now, longer than any relationship Louis’ ever had and longer than anything Harry could have even dreamed of having. Harry relapses of course, because he’s human and he has a problem and problems don’t just magically disappear with a healthy relationship, a therapist, and a support group, but each time he tells Louis directly afterward and Louis holds him and tells him it’ll be alright. And it is. Harry hasn’t cut since April and Louis is unbelievably proud of him for it. He’s proud about everything Harry does, to be honest. He brags constantly about Harry’s grades in school, about how he’ll be the smartest boy in uni, about how handsome he is, how strong. It reaches the point where even Liam is tired of hearing how amazing Harry is.

The six boys pack up a few days before One Direction is set to perform and take off in two different cars for Leeds Festival. Harry doesn’t stop grinning the whole car trip there, even singing along with Louis and the others to the radio. He’s wearing his black Ramones shirt with no hoodie or bracelets for once, faded scars standing out on his wrists. Harry was worried about it until Louis stopped him this morning from changing, bringing one of Harry’s wrists to his lips and whispering; “They mean you’ve survived.”

So Harry walks around with his head held high, proud because he’s survived, and proud because Louis’s proud. Louis ends up buying him a flower crown before they even set up camp, because he thinks it’s adorable, and Harry makes Louis keep his glasses on, even if Louis says they make him look dorky. The other boys roll their eyes at the two and separate off to different stages after they set up their tents, but Louis and Harry stick close as always. Louis’ band isn’t set to play until the next day so they spend the day together, dancing, drinking, and laughing until their cheeks hurt.

Louis holds him close that night in their tent, whispering about the show tomorrow until Harry has to shutup him up with his lips. When Louis gets nervous he babbles, and Harry knows that. They know everything about each other and that has Louis absolutely floored sometimes.

If Louis is extremely nervous then Zayn is something far beyond that. Liam and Josh have to pull him out of his tent in the morning by his legs while the other three watch on in amusement. He then runs off the bathroom with a bag of hair products and stays there for about an hour until a man comes up to their camp with a worried expression saying, “Hey, I think your mate’s crying in the bathroom” Louis has to go and coax Zayn out, assuring him that his hair looks f _ine more than fine, it’s fantastic_.

Josh is jittery as well, pairing off with Niall and drinking until he’s on the verge of drunk and decides that maybe it’s not such a good idea after all. Louis still babbles, hooking his arm around Harry’s and talking about maybe one day becoming famous, their first date, all the dates to come, and the other bands they’ve seen, all through lunch. Even Niall seems exhausted with the talking after a few hours, so Harry decides to drag Louis away to some indie-rock concert filled with other flower crown wearing hipsters where he holds his boyfriend’s petite body to his own and kisses all down his neck until he calms down.

Louis sways back against Harry and sighs, content and sated. “I love you, you know.”

Harry smiles and nods, kissing behind Louis’ ear softly. “I love you too, babe.”

“Good, never stop.” Louis says, tilting his head up and grinning.

Harry grins back and Louis pokes his dimples. “Never ever.” They attempt to kiss upside down and end up almost toppling over with laughter.

“You two are so adorable.” A voice pipes up from somewhere beside them. They both turn and see a girl about their age, a little dressed up for the occasion, but still extremely pretty. When she sees them both looking her face flushes red. “Oh god, sorry. I didn’t mean for that to come out.”

Louis laughs and shakes his head. “Thank you. I personally think he’s the attractive one, I’m more the hardworking type. He’s just my trophy husband.”

“Trophy husband?” Harry asks, eyebrows shooting up and his cheeks dimpling. “Hardworking my ass, you’re going to be late for your own gig.”

The girl perks up at this, twisting a curl around her finger in interest. “Gig? Are you in a band?”

“Yeah, he is,” Harry speaks for Louis, knowing his boyfriend would try to downplay it. “They’re playing here tonight actually.”

“Oh, awesome, what’s the name of your band?” She stops and then rolls her eyes and shakes her head. “Sorry, I seem like a right freak. I’m Eleanor, by the way.”

Louis smiles softly. “I’m Louis, this stunning piece of hipster is my Harry. The band is One Direction, you should stop by and see us tonight.”

“No, yeah I totally will!” Eleanor says, grinning and seeming genuinely interested. “It was so nice to meet you, I have to go make a phone call but I’ll see you later, yeah?” With that she bounces off, floral dress poofing out behind her as she runs.

“See, look at that. Competition already.” Harry chuckles into Louis’ ear.

Louis rolls his eyes. “If you honestly believe you have competition with any girl, you are completely mental. Now come on, I want to enjoy my pretentious hipster music with my pretentious hipster boyfriend.”

“M’not pretentious.”

“But you are a hipster?”

“Shutup Lou.”

When they make it back to camp the others are ready to leave and Zayn has apparently stopped trying to tug his hair out of his head, which Harry takes as a good sign. Admittedly, he’s a little nervous for Louis as well. It’s one of the smaller stages but it’ll still probably be the biggest crowd they’ve ever played for. Louis’ hand shakes a little when he reaches for Harry’s and Harry squeezes back.

“Hey, I love you.” Louis just smiles back and nods.

Harry and the boys had the option of staying backstage but Harry refused. He always likes being in the crowd better, being able to see everyone else’s reactions and fully see the band as everyone else does. Plus, he thinks it’s better for Louis, who is always less nervous when he can look through the crowd and meet Harry’s eyes and see Harry smiling back at him. The same is true for tonight of course.

One Direction play all original songs for this show, something Zayn is ridiculously proud of because he wrote them and something Louis is thankful for because a few of them are actually about Harry and he loves to sing them more than any other songs. Liam, Niall, and Harry all stand in the very front, soon joined by Eleanor who spots Harry’s curls in the crowd and starts waving her hands around like maniac until he motions her over and introduces her to the others. She seems to really like the band, smiling thoughtfully throughout the whole thing and clapping and screaming along with the crowd.

As they reach the end of the set the boys take turns to say their thank yous. When Louis’ turn comes up he gets this mischievous little smile on his face. “Thank you everyone for coming out to see us tonight. The next one is actually a cover we haven’t done in awhile, and I’d like to dedicate it to my incredibly attractive boyfriend Harry. Hands off, ladies.” Harry barks out a laugh and quickly covers his mouth with his hand. Louis catches it and smiles. “Love ya babe.”

The crowd ripples with aw-ing and whistling as the boys set up for the next song, and Harry already knows. He can tell by the way Josh and Zayn smile at him, he can tell by the way Louis closes his eyes and breathes out, he can tell by the way Niall grips his arm and grins like a complete idiot. It’s almost like the first time he ever saw them play all over again, the shivers he gets when Louis starts singing, making goosebumps rise all along his skin.

“And honey you should know that I could never go on without you” Louis sings, eyes never straying from Harry’s. The lyrics are more true now than they ever were before and Harry feels tears in his eyes.

“You’re so lucky.” Eleanor sighs dreamily.

Harry grins, eyes never straying away from Louis. “I really am.”

One Direction finishes their set to minutes of applause and if Harry isn’t mistaken, the boys are crying. All of them, even Zayn who never seems to let these emotional things get to him. Louis gives the crowd one final wave and they disappear backstage, another band coming up to set up.

Eleanor taps Harry on the arm and hands him a card, pressing it into his palm.“I have to run but give this to your boyfriend and his friends, tell them to give me a call as soon as they get back home. Lovely to meet you all!” Eleanor kisses Harry on the cheek and disappears into the throng of people much like she did earlier.

Harry looks down at the card in confusion, and lets out a strangled gasp when he reads it. It’s the business card of a record label with _Eleanor Clader- Talent Scout_ written underneath along with a phone number. “Guys. Guys, look.” He passes it to Liam and Niall who each look it over and get the same look of absolute disbelief. Harry grabs the card back and starts walking towards where they’re meeting the boys. “I’m never going to let him live this down. Ever.” He grins.

“Let me live what down?”

Harry looks up and sees Louis, standing with the other boys, sweaty and gross from performing but Harry doesn’t care. He launches himself forward at Louis, wrapping his arms around his boyfriends neck. “I’m so proud of you, that was amazing.” He whispers into Louis’ ear.

Louis grins and hugs him back. “Thank you, I hoped you liked the song.” ‘

Harry nods and stays there for a little bit, just breathing in the scent of Louis, who still smells like coffee beans and tea leaves even now, when he remembers the card. He pulls back and hands the card to Louis. “Look what I’ve got.” He sing-songs. Louis frowns and takes the card from Harry. When he reads it his eyes widen to the size of saucers and he starts shouting for Zayn and Josh, who all start yelling once they see it. This turns into all six boys yelling and on the hunt for alcohol for their celebration.

Louis can’t stop smiling all night. He eventually ends up on Harry’s back, both very drunk, and they start running between the tents screaming about getting signed. They’re met with either applause or empty beer cans tossed at them that Louis always replies with a “You’re just jealous because we’re gonna be famous, bitches!” Harry, who’s tipping around on his feet and almost barreling into other tents, laughs along with him and ignores the yelling that follows them all the way back to camp.

“Maybe we should go to bed.” Louis says, tripping around on his feet much to everyone elses amusement.

“We should like celebratory fuck, Lou, like in the tent,” Harry yells, unable to control his excitement. “Like Brokeback Mountain!”

“No!” Liam and Zayn shout in unison. They then look at each other and start laughing like idiots, trying to high five with their limited hand-eye coordination.

Harry and Louis sneak back into their tent, fully intent on doing something to make the others uncomfortable, but as soon as they touch the ground they fall asleep. The boys all leave the next day happy even with their massive hangovers. Louis convinces everyone else to let himself and Harry take his car alone, because he has a surprise. The others tease them and Louis’ face just goes red. Harry gets the feeling they all know something he doesn’t.

It’s raining when they get to the coffee shop, which is already closed for the night, but Louis has the keys. Well, at least he thinks he has the keys. Harry stares at him with this amused smile pulling at his lips, rain making his curls flop down and stick to his face. “You know, one of the first things you ever said to me was ‘shoulda bought an umbrella’.” He shouts over the sound of the rain pounding against the pavement.

Louis laughs, remembering it clearly. “You never did, did you?” Harry shakes his head back, still grinning. Louis finally finds his keys buried deep in his backpack and pulls them out triumphantly. He unlocks the door and pushes it open, running inside. Harry follows, shaking his wet curls out like a dog. Louis jumps over the counter and turns on the hot water, making the two of them tea while Harry texts his mother letting her know he’ll be late getting in, and attempting to dry his hair off by shaking it around and dancing terribly.

When Louis comes back from behind the counter he sees Harry, curled up on the window seat, knees pulled up to his chest, the light from the moon reflecting in his eyes and creating a halo in his fluffed up curls. Louis feels something rise up in his throat and he almost wants to cry. Harry is beautiful, and he’s all Louis’.

“Here, baby love.” Harry smiles and accepts the tea, before turning back out to look up at the stars.

“So, what’s up Lou?” Harry asks, tilting his head and smiling. “My super famous rockstar boyfriend has a surprise for me, I’ve heard.”

Louis laughs and climbs up on the window seat, sitting cross legged, his legs resting over Harry’s feet. “I do, actually.” Louis balances his mug precariously on the window sill and reaches into his pocket. He comes out with a small bag that’s cinched shut, which he holds in the palm of his hand for a moment, before handing off to Harry.

“Ooh, a present!” Harry grins, looking very much like a child as he puts his tea down on the floor and mimics Louis’ pose. He opens the bag and tips it into his hand. His breath catches when two matching rings fall out, each a simple black, one carved with an H on the inside, the other an L. Harry looks up, eyes wide. “Louis.”

“Don’t freak out,” Louis quickly explains, resisting the urge to shake his hands around and prove the point. “I’m not like, proposing or anything. They’re promise rings because you’re going away to uni soon, and now I guess I might be going too for the band, and I just want you to know I love you so much-” He’s cut off with Harry, reaching forward and tugging him close, smashing their lips together and laughing.

“You are so perfect, Louis Tomlinson.” He whispers.

Louis shakes his head and reaches for the rings in Harry’s lap. “You’re the perfect one, remember? My beautiful boy.” Harry’s eyes flutter shut and he kisses Louis again, softer and slower this time. Louis reaches for Harry’s hand and slips the ring marked L onto his ring finger. Harry pulls back and looks down at it, tilting it this way and that with an adorable grin on his face. His scars catch the moonlight and he stops, running his fingers over them.

“You saved me, you know. I don’t think I ever would have stopped if you hadn’t noticed and told. Maybe I would have let it go too far, maybe I would have finally done it and killed myself. I thought about it constantly Lou, it was terrifying,” Harry stops, and then looks up at Louis and smiles. “And then you show up with you crinkly eyes, and your glasses, and your guitar, and your horrible foam art and you just changed it. You changed everything for the me, Louis, you made me better. I owe you my life for that.”

Harry reaches for the other ring and slips it onto Louis finger, smiling softly. “We changed each other, it wasn’t just me.” Louis whispers back. He doesn’t say anything else, because he knows Harry already knows that everything Louis does now is for him. When he sings at a concert, he wants to make Harry proud. When his paycheck comes in and he saves a little bit of it it’s partially in the hope that someday he and Harry might use some of that money for a flat together, or to maybe start a life together. Everyday he wakes up with a smile because he knows he gets to try and make Harry laugh today.

Harry’s eyes blink up, and he smiles. “We’re going to be alright Lou, aren’t we?” He asks, his head tilting sideways in question. Louis intertwines both of their hands, rings and scars glinting in the moonlight, and nods. His eyes crinkle up like Harry always loves and Harry’s dimples poke in slightly like Louis loves, and he is so sure of his answer.

“More than alright.”

 


End file.
